Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three?  check ’em out!

So now that we have learned every single way to improve ourselves through plastic surgery, including the risks and chance of complications, we move onto Part Three, where Heather and Terry list their favorite products.  I thought we already did this, but I guess Consult BEAUTE hasn’t had enough plugs yet, so here we go.


the sink enhances the BEAUTE of my 40 million dollar manse. image source: lipstickalley.com


You guys, Heather and Terry came up with a rating system that is so effing dumb I can’t believe their editor let them put this in here.  They seem to find the names “Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig” just so goddamn DELIGHTFUL, even if no one else does.  So they rated each product and procedure with a rate of 0-4 guinea pigs.  Heather in particular takes great delight in announcing each rating.  Terry at least seems to be slightly embarrassed for the first time in his life.  Zero guinea pigs.


but I’m so funny and refreshing and relatable! image source: giphy.com

Imagine sitting down on your couch and having a real housewife read you the entire “Best Of” beauty issue of Allure.  This is what this section feels like.  Unless you are like, waiting with pen in hand with baited breath to write down what body wash Terry feels is worth multiple rodents, it’s pretty much useless.  I did learn that Heather thinks it’s okay to use some mid-price range beauty products, like, say, from those of Consult Beaute!  She was very careful in each list to throw the Consult Beaute (every time I type that I hate it more) product in the middle, so we won’t notice she is shilling her own product.


v v clever girl. image source: giphy.com

One thing I did actually find interesting is that Terry says those at-home red and blue light masks and wands are total bullshit.  They constantly pop up on flash sites like Gilt and Rue La La and I was always curious (one is for acne, one for anti-aging) but Terry gave them ZERO guinea pigs!  So, like all Consult Beaute products, hard pass.  This section is actually difficult to listen to as they list the aging concern (i.e. facial sagging) and then go through all of the possible treatments and by then end you forgot what the original issue was.  It’s probably better not in audio form, but still, I’m pretty sure that Dr. Google or, you know, a real live plastic surgeon is probably a better bet.


I feel like Heather would be more offended that I used Teresa Giudice in anything associated with her than the criticisms of her book. image source: giphy.com

Next up, more reviews of slightly more off-the-wall treatments, like acupuncture “facelifts.”  Again, it’s like listening to your parents read Yelp reviews of things you aren’t interested in.  Terry mentions a TON how much he loves Human Growth Hormone (HGH)and says it makes a crazy difference in your appearance.  However, you have to take it in injection form and need to do it every few days to get the full results.  Terry hopes that it will be available via patch down the road which would make it easier for everyday people to use it.  He advises that only the injections work at this time and nothing in a face cream or anything will do anything for you.  Terry also mentions in this part that face lifts are his very favorite plastic surgery to perform and he loves the old school technique and impressive results.


oh hai there siggy! image source: news.hayu.com

Finally, some fun information!  Heather gleefully informs us that the blood or “vampire” facials that Kim Kardashian famously flaunted on her social media accounts actually don’t do shit for your skin and get zero guinea pigs.  Other things that do nothing?  Oxygen facials, superfood facials and most cellulite treatments. For this book, Heather tried many of the cellulite “fixes” but found them to be mostly ineffective and incredibly painful.  She actually recommends squats as the best “cure” she has found, which, hey, at least it’s free!


annnd, just like that, we’re back to old Heather. image source: bustle.com

After hearing about Heather’s vaginal steaming treatment (recommended, of course, by Gwyneth Paltrow- Heather found it gross and weird and unnecessary), we have finally reached the end of our anti-aging journey.  Although I feel like I aged 5 years just listening to this (ENDLESS) book, I have to say, at least it was well-researched and wasn’t just one long book-form infomercial for Consult BEAUTE.  I give it 2 guinea pigs.

One thought on “Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig: Part Four

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    BWAHAHAHAHA! I was reading through this post and wondering to myself, “I am curious how many ‘Guinea Pigs’ would you give this?” And then, BAM…there it is at the end…exactly 2!
    I was rolling reading this. Thanks for the morning laugh….hehehehe


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