missed part one? check it out!

Heather finishes up her monologue about sunscreen (wear it always unless you WANT to look like the crypt keeper, you savage) with a story about how she went tanning one time when she was a pageant contestant (of course she was).  But it didn’t work on her fair skin and she turned blotchy, oh noes!  Of course, Heather points out that she did win Miss Congeniality in the Miss New York pageant, marking the first time in Real Housewives history that anyone has been considered congenial.

I bet Sandy Bullock could play Heather in a RHOOC movie, except I’m sure Heather would prefer to play herself. image source: tumblr.com

We next learn about the importance of antioxidants (eat them AND put them on your face) and when to stop using any products (if you have a reaction or have no results. i.e. NO SHIT).  Also, WEAR SUNSCREEN!  This is v.v. important.

Next, we finally hear from Dr. Botched himself, Terry Dubrow.  He goes over all of the non-invasive, non-surgical procedures he luuuurves.  First up, BOTOX, the little poison that found him his bride.  Terry LOVES Botox you guys, but only in small doses applied CORRECTLY.  He says you can tell when someone has had too much quite easily (see: every cast member of every Real Housewives franchise ever) and it is important to go to a qualified plastic surgeon or medical professional with lots of experience so you don’t end up, well, botched af.

am I smiling? or crying? image source: giphy.com

Butt injections have become incredibly popular in recent years (thanks, Kim Kardashian) but should be used VERY sparingly.  Terry says he has seen SO many bungled butts on Botched (say that five times fast) from over-injection and improperly distributed fat.  Terry seems to think moderation and using a light touch is best for all plastic surgery procedures, which I whole heartedly agree with (see: Heidi Montag).  I can’t imagine the arguing he has to do with Orange County women who want to Botox their face into submission while simultaneously removing every non-existent ounce of fat on their bodies.

IT’S EVERYWHERE! image source: giphy.com

Regarding lip injections, again, Terry says to use them in moderation.  He doesn’t suggest getting an implant as it is permanent and can shift over time.  Also, you might go too big and you may regret your giant puffy duck lips down the road (God think of what all of those women are going to look like in their 80s?!).  Getting the implant removed can result in terrible scarring and scar tissue, which HAWT.

see also: Rinna, Lisa. image source: reddit.com

Again, Terry warns to be judicious with fillers, as so many actresses and MAWs (model/actress/whatevers) have filled the ever living shit out of their faces to the point it looks like balloons resting on the shoulders of stick figures.  I am pretty sure this is what happened to Brandi Glanville (just speculation).  Thin women and women with more angular faces lose volume in their cheeks as they age, and some people (many of the Real Housewives of Miami) try to erase every freaking line with injections and it just looks cray cray.

“if I could cry, I would!” image source: eonline.com

Finally, we get to talk about something Terry LOVES: lasers!  Terry Dubrow fucking loves lasers so much and he doesn’t care who knows it.  Lasers are a game changer in the plastic surgery world because they can do so much for improving your skin without having the horrible initial redness and extreme scabbing that came with traditional chemical peels.  Again, Terry advises that you only see true professionals, preferably a doctor, as he sees more malpractice suits for laser hair removal injuries than any other plastic surgery procedure (including major surgeries).

turns out, if some yokel with a hair removal laser burns the eff out of your bikini line, this is NOT a good thing! image source: giphy.com

Then we start to cover some old school procedures.  First up, liposuction!  Terry says that you should NEVER EVER GOD HELP YOU use lipo as a means of weight loss.  It is designed solely to spot reduce areas of stubborn fat and nothing else.  This is all helpful information if you are interested in hearing about every basic af plastic surgery option EVER, but where does the unique stuff come in?  When are we going to hear about the leeches they put on their stomachs last season on RHOOC?  WHEN!??!

take it up a notch, DUBROWS. image source: giphy.com