Heather’s Closet: Episode One

 

heather-dubrows-closet-1

“aren’t I soooo relatable?” image source: pinterest.com

Oh Heather Dubrow, what to do with you?  At first, you seemed like a normal who wandered into a blonde party of such craziness, that you truly seemed like the first real housewife who felt like she was aware of the fuckery going on around her.  BUT THEN I listened to your podcast and realized you need Shannon’s kookiness and Tamra’s trashy hot lady vibes to foil your uptight, brunette shtick.  By yourself, you are insufferable, and even in the midst of the melted Barbies screaming at each other that is the Real Housewives of Orange County’s deal, you have kind of lost the plot.  If you make me feel sorry for the pile of stained club shirts from Wet Seal that is Kelly Dodd, you are a BAD PERSON.

rhoc-freaking-cunt-kelly-dodd

Not gonna lie, I did enjoy Kelly’s Heather impression. image source: lovesujeiry.com

I didn’t totally hate Heather’s unnecessary plastic surgery book that no one asked for, the horribly named, Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig, but I have definitely grown tired of Miss Fancy Pants.  When I heard that Heather planned to host a weird show from her fucking million square foot closet, I got very excited.  Something I KNOW I will really hate!  Yayyyyy!

tamra-screaming

and yours too. and that’s why I love you! image source: giphy.com

FIRST OFF, can we talk about this fucking theme song?  It is ASSAULTING to your ears.  Seriously.  I am also going to have it in my head for the next 100 years, which I will spend cursing the day that Terry Dubrow thought ‘hey, I can fix dem titties’ for the first time.

HEY BABY
HEY BABY
HEY BABY

It’s like that truly terrible No Doubt song Hey Baby had a hey baby with a shitty girl group from the 60s song and the whole thing is just awful.  You just know Heather thought it was totes adorbs, and BARF.

gwen-stefani

NO GWEN.  And no to Blake too.  image source: giphy.com

It is also a pretty long intro for an “episode” that is seven minutes long.  But one’s ego is measured in length of opening credits, so I digress.  We find out that Heather hasn’t shown ANYONE her closet before and WE ARE SO LUCKY as we are the only people who have ever seen it!  WOWWWWWEEEE all it does it make me wish I were watching a show about Lisa Vanderpump’s closet.

heather's closet.png

as the relatively stable brunette in a sea of blonde lunatics, heather WISHES she were lisa vanderpump.

Heather’s closet is, SPOILER ALERT, enormous and full of Chanel accessories, just like you never imagined.  She also has some dubious looking acting awards scattered about (you know, for her SUPER important work, such as being the second lead on a Jenny McCarthy sitcom from the mid-90s that no one saw) and of course, CHAMPS!  Seriously, her closet is very fancy and all, but also so basic.  There is no whimsy or uniqueness for a room that cost more than all of our houses put together.  Why spend SO MUCH on something that looks like every builder in the OC with a budget of $1 million+ puts in for the non-televised housewives of the OC?

heather i don't know.gif

face it, girl… you basic af. image source: giphy.com

We find out that Heather will be giving away shit from her closet to lucky winners who subscribe to her youtube channel.  At least you can guess that her type-A insane ass probably takes really good care of whatever size 00 nonsense she will be sending your way.  It would take literally one second to enter this contest, and yet, I have no desire to.

Heather considers her closet to be her “girl cave” and is SO HAPPY that she gets her own closet in her new house.  Can you believe it, she had to fucking share her closet in her last house with her husband?  The HORROR!

tamra crazy.gif

you poor thing. image source: giphy.com

We are going to learn SUPER “interesting” and “important” tips from Heather, like how to pack and take care of your clothes.  “Well, count me in!” said no one ever.  I am going to watch a few more “episodes” so I can learn what a suitcase is and why having Chanel pillows makes you classy.  STAY TUNED!

 

heather-crock

IT SURE IS! image source: giphy.com

 

 

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