The Secrets of My Life: Part One

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WHO BOY! image source: bittopper.com

OH Caitlyn with a C, never a K, Jenner, what to do with you?  When it finally came out that you were indeed transitioning to a female, I was in awe of you.  I mean, I do actually think it was super brave to do it in such a public fashion with all of the world watching.  I guess 2015 was a different time, as we didn’t quite realize how racist/sexist/homophobic the country still is until we got Trump (President Donald Trump!  Think about that again for a second.  It will never NOT be shocking) in the White House, but even so, I think it was so important for the trans community to have such a popular and public figure leading the charge.  There are so many misconceptions about marginalized groups and here was a KARDASHIAN-ADJACENT person AND a former Olympic gold-medalist who was a poster boy for American masculinity coming out and saying hey, I am actually a woman.  This was a BIG DEAL.

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Gretchen Rossi’s… Website? Part Three

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missed part one or part two? check em out!

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listen you guys, it’s the sounds of Gretchen’s “career!” image source: giphy.com

You guys, I must admit that while it has been a LONG time since Gretchen and Slade were in the Bravo family, I find myself wondering what they are up to.  Not enough to watch any other terrible show that will have them, but like really curious as to what they do on a day-to-day basis.  What do you think a day in the Rossi-Smiley (sidenote: has there ever been or will there ever be a better reality name than Slade Smiley?  The fact that he is a broke former real estate developer from Orange County couldn’t be more perfect either.  He is the personification of how being on a reality show is a total house of cards) looks like?  I bet Slade spends his mornings googling himself and watching clips from that awful reality show he was on with his ex-fiancée Jo De La Rosa.  I saw her once when I was hiking Runyon and she was talking SO LOUDLY hoping people would notice her.

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Kashmere Kollection Purifying Mask: A Review

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check out my other review of Kashmere Kollection

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glad to see it still looks so… homemade.

As you may recall from my other review of the Kashmere Kollection (I know “Ks” are super in because of the Kardashians, but MAN, doing multiple ones in your product names just seems… risky), Kim is charging WAY too much for some very average skincare.  This little number was supposed to be FIFTY fucking dollars. I mean, look at the size of it: Continue reading →

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Cooking with Phaedra

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missed part one, part two, part three or part four? check em out!

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oh god, I fear my booty AND my gravy are lacking. image source: straightfromthea.com

We have finally reached the END, y’all!  Praise ANDY!  As you may have gleaned from the previous entries, I did not enjoy Secrets of the Southern Belle very much.  I have gone through a LOT of dreck (books “written” by seeming illiterates [Teresa Giudice)], raging narcissists [Ramona Singer] and a woman who has less self-awareness than any other reality star, and that is saying something [Alex McCord]), but I am so disappointed in this sexist nonsense because I actually LIKE Phaedra.  She is certainly smarter than 99% of the people on Bravo, has a fantastic wit and her slutty transparent vacation looks give me LIFE.  Plus I love anyone who matches their eye shadow to their clothing (see above).  It’s very seventh grade and I ain’t mad at that.  I understand that culture in the south is different than in my flyover upbringing, but I cannot get behind the whole helpless woman act. Continue reading →

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Four

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missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

 

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srsly JC, hit the gas. image source: straightfromthea.com

 

Ugh, I can’t wait to be done with this nonsense so I can finally make some Phaedra Parks signature biscuits and pretend I never read this book.  As I have said before, Phaedra WAS my favorite real housewife, but Miss Sonja Morgan might be back in first place after reading this sexist nonsense.  Phaedra wants you to dress your little girls LIKE little girls, and while I agree that dressing girls like mini prostitutes isn’t good for anyone, I don’t think you have to have your kids wear bobbysocks and pinafores and shit.  Phaedra has two boys!  Do you know how messy kids are?  I make my kid brush his teeth shirtless because he can’t do it without smearing toothpaste everywhere (and homeboy still usually manages to get that shit in my hair and his, somehow). Continue reading →

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Three

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missed part one or part two?  check em out!

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you “woman from Detroit!” image source: allaboutherh.com

We are back with more crazypants advice from how to be an American woman circa 1955.  V v on trend in 2017.  First up, we MUST and I mean MUST learn out to clean our houses, ladies.  Although Phaedra does say to teach your daughters AND your sons to properly wield a mop, this is just so weird.  I am sorry, but I imagine that Phaedra is not scrubbing her own damn toilets at this point.  Also, stay in good graces with all of your exes.  Not only because it is the right thing to do, but also you never know when you might need someone to hang your curtains for you

Okay, hold up.

WHAT!?!??!? I am pretty sure that Phaedra can fucking pay someone to hang her goddamn curtains and not be cordial to some fuckhead (like, oh, you know, her ex-husband who is currently in prison) to do it for her because she is tee hee just a girl! Continue reading →

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Two

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missed part one? check it out!

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thank you, Jesus. image source: pinterest.com

So, put down that bottle of beer.  It’s time to be a LADY, y’all.  And you can’t be lazy, but also don’t work too hard.  And have fun and be sassy but not TOO sassy.   And do all of this (in moderation, missy) with not a hair out of place.  Um, what?  I am not sure how anyone is supposed to gain anything from this.  Phaedra also recommends NOT putting it all out there and practice some modesty in dressing.  Um…

WHAT.

Has she not seen her own vacation looks?

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Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part One

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please ignore my nail polish. i’m not a southern belle yet.

As you may know, Phaedra Parks is my favorite real housewife.  EVER.  I can’t get enough of her REDONK vacation looks, numerous careers, her KIDS (omg her children are the most adorbs kids of all the real housewife offspring), her one-liners… she has even managed to make me like Porsha more than I used to, which is a feat in itself.

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Little Kids, Big City: Part Four

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missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

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Pssshhht, Jill WISHES she were Regina George. image source: bustle.com

THANK YOU JESUS, we have finally reached the end.  One last pretentious installment of our bilingual snowflakes are better than yours!  First, after casually mentioning that their townhouse was photographed for New York Magazine, Alex says that she didn’t even notice that Johan had colored all over the walls until she saw the photos.  Um, you didn’t notice that there was fucking crayon drawings all over your walls the day you are getting your house photographed for a magazine? Continue reading →

Little Kids, Big City: Part Three

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missed part one or part two? check em out!

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alex isn’t like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom! image source: world lifestyle.com

Ugh, are we still reading this?  Anyway, Alex and Simon have “spirited” children (anyone who saw them on Real Housewives of New York may have another adjective for them) and you know what?  Alex doesn’t give a shit if they are “nice.”  Um, okay.  I get you can’t control your children’s personalities, but I think raising kids to be kind isn’t some trendy nonsense that Alex and Simon are above.  There are a bunch of super boring anecdotes no one gives a shit about (Johan took Francios’s coloring book!  Mon dieu!) and then Alex goes on a long weird tangent about how even though she was raised in the midwest, she is still totes classy and urban.  Her father was in the oil business and so they HAD to live in Kansas after he bought “hundreds of acres.”  Calm down, Dorothy.  But they also had a house in the Caribbean, so don’t you DARE think Alex isn’t cultured. Continue reading →