Guys, are you ready to feel old af?  The Hills came out TEN YEARS AGO.

TEN.  Holy shit.  I still think it’s 2009 most days, so this is very shocking to me.  In honor of a decade of blonde women looking wistfully at the ocean from brunch restaurants, I decided to take a Bravo break and head for The Hills…

Stephanie Pratt, sister of super-villain Beavis-doppleganger Spencer Pratt, was arguable the dumbest person on the Hills.  And yes, I am including Audrina in this claim.  In a sea of vapid pretty faces, Steph always stood out to me as being particularly brain dead.  She wasn’t funny, she wasn’t smart or likeable, she was just… there.

So, how in the HELL did this girl get a book deal????  Does ANYONE, and I am dead serious here, consider themselves to be a… Stephanie Pratt “fan?”

OF COURSE, Miss Pratt doesn’t even read her “book” herself.  Some poor lady named Samantha Coughlin has to do it for her.  OF COURSE.  I mean, I am sure that Steph is realllllly busy with all of her other “work,” so I guess it makes sense.  Anyway, is it bad that I preemptively tagged this as “NOPE” before I even started it?  I challenge YOU Steph, er Samantha, to prove me wrong!  I mean, didn’t she have like a meth and/or stealing problem?  This just might be okay after all!

Steph was born in Malibu in the mid-1980s and had an idyllic childhood.  The end.

I wish.  Anyway, Steph had a pony and everything.  She was also BFF with Grace Gummer, the daughter of Meryl Streep, was a child model, went to fancy schools and had fancy friends.  Everything was coming up Pratt!

But, as we all know, the rest was still unwritten.  Because a bad girl named Nicole came into Stephanie’s life and got her addicted.  To the meth.  Basically, Steph (who was prescribed Adderall for ADD) was tricked by this charlatan Nicole into believing that the meth was just Adderall, so it was like no different than taking a pill.  Bee tee dubs, this Nicole also had a HUGE crush on Steph’s dried turd of a brother Spencer, so she really does seem just fucking awful.  So Steph goes from normal girl to full-blown methhead (I keep reading that as “meathead”) lickety split.

You guys, I had NO IDEA how bad her drug addiction was.  Steph got caught eventually by her parents after her friend’s mom figured out that no one needs to go to the bathroom every ten minutes, unless they are nine months pregnant or have a drug problem (and hopefully not both).  Steph went through rehab and stopped using meth, but not cocaine or weed.  She holds it together for awhile and even goes to her first year of college in Paris.  I’m talkin France, y’all!

So shit was all tre bien for awhile, until fucking Spencer screwed it all up.  He came to visit Steph in Paris and didn’t like her friends, so he told her parents he thought she was doing drugs again.

So Steph’s family makes her move back to Malibu or wherever and Steph is PISSED.  So she starts hanging out with that bad seed Nicole and doing SHITLOADS of drugs.  Jesus Christ, coke, pills, morphine, whatever she could get her paws on.  She even tries to overdose and the whole thing sounds just fucking awful.  Eventually though, life starts looking up- Steph and her recently-incarcerated friend get jobs on the set of Lost, and you guys, I am legit jealous.  Her pal’s dad was an EP on the show and hooked them up with a condo in Hawaii and Steph got to work on set for the second season.

BUT Steph didn’t stop partying even though she had a badass job in a gorgeous place.  She and her friend (I think she gave her a name, but I forgot) got SO FUCKED UP one day that they went to Neiman Marcus and couldn’t afford the “$20,000 worth of designer clothes they wanted” (I mean, fuck off), so they decided to just… take it… by just wearing the items out of the store.

UNFORTCH for Steph and her pal, they immediately get arrested.  Steph is so offed up that she has no idea what happened next, but she woke up shackled to her hospital bed.  Then it’s off to a Hawaiian slammer for a few days before she ordered to fly back to California to her mom.

I mean, WTF??!  I had no idea shit got so real.  Stay tuned for Part Two of this mess, where we finally head for The Hills…