8 New Year’s Resolutions for Reality Stars

At Real Hockwives, we have a LOT of opinions and would like to take this opportunity to give some of our favorite (and LEAST favorite) reality “stars” some advice for the new year!  

Kim Zolciak Biermann:  No more plastic surgery

kim eye roll.gif

look, your old face! image source: giphy.com

Kim, GURL, have you seen your face lately?  It’s like a funhouse version of your real look.  I’m not hating, but you keep claiming to have had nothing done and we both know that that is just HILARIOUS.  If your lips get any bigger, I am afraid you are going to pop them while you scream obscenities in front of your army of small children.  Also, “contouring” doesn’t change one’s nose like yours looks now.  Take it down a notch, you already got the hot (former) NFL player!  PS Please also pass this advice onto Brielle.  We all know she can’t read this.

Scheana Soon-Not-To-Be-Shay: also take heed.  If your nose gets any smaller, I am pretty sure you are just going to be anime eyes and lips.

Kourtney Kardashian:  Take Scott Disick back

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what a dreamboat! i mean, that. like, for real. image source: wifflegif.com

I know he is an alcoholic and probably a cheater, but goddamit, I love the guy.  You may already be back together, and whether that is for real, or if it is for a plot line on next season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, I don’t care.  You crazy kids belong together!  Kourtney, he was your BF before your family became the most famous family in the world (for having a member have a successful sex tape with the brother of a formerly popular R&B artist)!  He is the real deal.  Plus, you have three kids together.  This is also important.

Stassi Schroeder: Get a good storyline

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this!  i miss THIS stassi! image source: thehollywoodgossip.com

Stassi, what is going ON this season on Vanderpump Rules?!  Where is the girl that insisted everyone in a 10 mile radius bow down because it was her birthday!?  You have been reduced to second banana to Katie Freaking Maloney, the saddest bowl of oatmeal to ever be on television!  I need you to be the Alpha Female again.  VPR used to be my favorite show on Bravo, and I am one more Katie and Tom fight away from becoming Team Lala.  Don’t you DARE make me feel sorry for James Kennedy, Stassi!  That Brittany seems nice and all, but perhaps you and Jax should give it another go?   Just for me?  k thx bye

Melissa Gorga: Quit Real Housewives

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for the love of GOD, just end it now. image source: mrowl.com

SERIOUSLY.  You have nothing going on beyond your drama (or lack thereof) with SIL Teresa Giudice and your husband would honestly make a better housewife than you.  I don’t care about your dumb clothing store (no one is Envy-ing anything, trust).  Unless you are planning to release another cringe-worthy song (OMG maybe collaborating with Countess LuAnn?!??!), it’s time to hang up your RHONJ hat.

Dorit Whatever from RHOBH: Take several seats and leave Erika Jayne ALONE!

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oh god, I hate you already. image source: tumblr.com

Look, Dorit, I don’t know if you watched last season of RHOBH (and I know you did.  All the new ladies claim they have never watched previous seasons of real housewives and they are all mutha-fuckin’ LIARS!  What kind of idiot would agree to be on a reality show without doing the research?  You’re BFF with Lisa Vanderpump but never watched her on television?)  but you decided that going after ERIKA FREAKING JAYNE would endear you to the audience?!  Man, at least set your sights on Lisa Rinna or Eileen, the beautiful scarecrow that somehow keeps hanging on.  Back OFF!

P.S.  Having Boy George live in your house does not excuse this behavior.

Kristin Cavallari: Not really for you, but please don’t let Jay play for the Bears next year

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face it, you were your best self in laguna.  go back. back to the beginning. image source: giphy.com

I don’t have much advice for you beyond PLEASE tell your husband that it’s time to quit playing football.  At least for the Bears.  They are so bad it’s embarrassing and I miss Brandon Marshall.  Jay doesn’t seem to be the slightest bit interested in the game anymore and it’s probably time for you guys to have an embarrassing reality show on VH1 or whatever.  Please pass this along.

Katie Maloney: STOP.  Just… stop.

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take your own advice, sweetie. image source: wifflegif.com

What is going ON with you, Katie?  Tom Schwartz is the most adorable idiot on VPR, and that is saying something on a show full of semi-literate models!  BE GLAD YOU HAVE HIM. No one wants to see Eeyore with a septum ring try to be Regina George.  Face it, Stassi is Regina, you are Gretchen Wieners and Kristin Doute is Karen.  Stop trying to make YOU happen.  I liked you much better as a yes-man for Stassi who occasionally blacked out on tequila and embarrassed yourself.

Phaedra Parks: Nothing, you are a perfect little angel

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sigh. perfection. image source: giphy.com

Seriously, my favorite little housewife, change nothing.  Maybe a new romance?  But the woman who called Kenya Moore “oatmeal pie face” will never do anything wrong in my eyes.  Love you, boo boo!

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