Category: Books

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Cooking with Phaedra

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missed part one, part two, part three or part four? check em out!

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oh god, I fear my booty AND my gravy are lacking. image source: straightfromthea.com

We have finally reached the END, y’all!  Praise ANDY!  As you may have gleaned from the previous entries, I did not enjoy Secrets of the Southern Belle very much.  I have gone through a LOT of dreck (books “written” by seeming illiterates [Teresa Giudice)], raging narcissists [Ramona Singer] and a woman who has less self-awareness than any other reality star, and that is saying something [Alex McCord]), but I am so disappointed in this sexist nonsense because I actually LIKE Phaedra.  She is certainly smarter than 99% of the people on Bravo, has a fantastic wit and her slutty transparent vacation looks give me LIFE.  Plus I love anyone who matches their eye shadow to their clothing (see above).  It’s very seventh grade and I ain’t mad at that.  I understand that culture in the south is different than in my flyover upbringing, but I cannot get behind the whole helpless woman act. Continue reading →

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Four

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missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

 

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srsly JC, hit the gas. image source: straightfromthea.com

 

Ugh, I can’t wait to be done with this nonsense so I can finally make some Phaedra Parks signature biscuits and pretend I never read this book.  As I have said before, Phaedra WAS my favorite real housewife, but Miss Sonja Morgan might be back in first place after reading this sexist nonsense.  Phaedra wants you to dress your little girls LIKE little girls, and while I agree that dressing girls like mini prostitutes isn’t good for anyone, I don’t think you have to have your kids wear bobbysocks and pinafores and shit.  Phaedra has two boys!  Do you know how messy kids are?  I make my kid brush his teeth shirtless because he can’t do it without smearing toothpaste everywhere (and homeboy still usually manages to get that shit in my hair and his, somehow). Continue reading →

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Three

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missed part one or part two?  check em out!

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you “woman from Detroit!” image source: allaboutherh.com

We are back with more crazypants advice from how to be an American woman circa 1955.  V v on trend in 2017.  First up, we MUST and I mean MUST learn out to clean our houses, ladies.  Although Phaedra does say to teach your daughters AND your sons to properly wield a mop, this is just so weird.  I am sorry, but I imagine that Phaedra is not scrubbing her own damn toilets at this point.  Also, stay in good graces with all of your exes.  Not only because it is the right thing to do, but also you never know when you might need someone to hang your curtains for you

Okay, hold up.

WHAT!?!??!? I am pretty sure that Phaedra can fucking pay someone to hang her goddamn curtains and not be cordial to some fuckhead (like, oh, you know, her ex-husband who is currently in prison) to do it for her because she is tee hee just a girl! Continue reading →

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Two

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missed part one? check it out!

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thank you, Jesus. image source: pinterest.com

So, put down that bottle of beer.  It’s time to be a LADY, y’all.  And you can’t be lazy, but also don’t work too hard.  And have fun and be sassy but not TOO sassy.   And do all of this (in moderation, missy) with not a hair out of place.  Um, what?  I am not sure how anyone is supposed to gain anything from this.  Phaedra also recommends NOT putting it all out there and practice some modesty in dressing.  Um…

WHAT.

Has she not seen her own vacation looks?

Continue reading →

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part One

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please ignore my nail polish. i’m not a southern belle yet.

As you may know, Phaedra Parks is my favorite real housewife.  EVER.  I can’t get enough of her REDONK vacation looks, numerous careers, her KIDS (omg her children are the most adorbs kids of all the real housewife offspring), her one-liners… she has even managed to make me like Porsha more than I used to, which is a feat in itself.

Continue reading →

Little Kids, Big City: Part Four

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Pssshhht, Jill WISHES she were Regina George. image source: bustle.com

THANK YOU JESUS, we have finally reached the end.  One last pretentious installment of our bilingual snowflakes are better than yours!  First, after casually mentioning that their townhouse was photographed for New York Magazine, Alex says that she didn’t even notice that Johan had colored all over the walls until she saw the photos.  Um, you didn’t notice that there was fucking crayon drawings all over your walls the day you are getting your house photographed for a magazine? Continue reading →

Little Kids, Big City: Part Three

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missed part one or part two? check em out!

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alex isn’t like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom! image source: world lifestyle.com

Ugh, are we still reading this?  Anyway, Alex and Simon have “spirited” children (anyone who saw them on Real Housewives of New York may have another adjective for them) and you know what?  Alex doesn’t give a shit if they are “nice.”  Um, okay.  I get you can’t control your children’s personalities, but I think raising kids to be kind isn’t some trendy nonsense that Alex and Simon are above.  There are a bunch of super boring anecdotes no one gives a shit about (Johan took Francios’s coloring book!  Mon dieu!) and then Alex goes on a long weird tangent about how even though she was raised in the midwest, she is still totes classy and urban.  Her father was in the oil business and so they HAD to live in Kansas after he bought “hundreds of acres.”  Calm down, Dorothy.  But they also had a house in the Caribbean, so don’t you DARE think Alex isn’t cultured. Continue reading →

Little Kids, Big City: Part Two

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missed part one? check it out!

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now THAT is friendship. image source: tumblr.com

So now we all know that Alex and Simon are better than all of us and their kids are the most bi-coastal, cultured and well-traveled tots OF ALL TIME.  You don’t have a name like Johan Van Kempen and eat McDonalds, playa.  But they are still little scamps, just like your kids!  In fact, one time, Johan thought the Hamptons was a country! Continue reading →

Little Kids, Big City: Part One

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LOOK AT SIMON’S FACE. image source: amazon.com

YOU GUYS, I am sure you have heard by now that Bravo’s number one try-hard Jill Zarin is going to appear on the next season of Real Housewives of New York.  In the words of other famous New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder… whatever happened to resident weirdos Alex and Simon? Continue reading →

Wives, Fiancees & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part Four

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i love that Sheree put zero effort into changing anything about her life minus changing her name and being with an NBA player instead of an NFL star. image source: wifflegif.com

We finally reached the end, y’all!  THANK YOU LAWD.  This book was fun and all, but like binge watching a horrid season of Real Housewives, eventually you get sick of grown women acting ridiculous and you just want to dip back into real life.  But with the current political landscape, maybe not!  Bring it on, Andy!  Do your worst! Continue reading →