well, hello boys! image source: pinterest.com
Big news! I finally stepped foot into Lisa Vanderpump’s mecca in the middle of West Hollywood: PUMP. I have actually been to SUR before, way back in 2009 before it was the background of my (former) favorite Bravo show, Vanderpump Rules. This season is garbage, and not even in the good way.
wait, I just remembered how awful Vale was. image source: hercampus.com
missed part one? check it out!
oh god, kill me now. image source: giphy.com
So, have you GOT IT yet? Not me, still just over here, wondering how the eff this book got published. The layout legitimately looks like an old issue of Sassy magazine from 1993 and I am truly wondering if I currently posses the only copy of this book ever published. Continue reading
please ignore my chipped nail polish. I haven’t learned how to “get it” yet.
You guys, I am confused.
First of all, Jacqueline Laurita wrote a book? And maybe I missed something, but I feel like she never mentioned it ONCE her whole crazy pants last season of RHONJ? These hos are usually shilling every chance they GET (see: Bethenny Frankel) and she mentioned the stupid popcorn company (just what everyone wants- smaller popcorn kernels!) one million times but never this?
missed Fabulicious Part One? check it out!
um… define opposite. image source: giphy.com
After I made Zuppa di Verdure, I wanted to make a heartier dish for my next foray into the gilded land of Giudice deliciousness. Luckily, there really are a lot of options in Fabulicious (god, if I never have to type that word out again, I would be a very happy girl) that aren’t just pasta. Honestly, I barely looked at any of the descriptions and went mostly by the photos. Like any good real housewife, I simply did not (could not) read and based my judgements on purely superficial photos. I’m learning!
fabulicious? um?
Former inmate Teresa Giudice can’t write for shit (see: Turning the Tables) but she actually can cook (see: Skinny Italian)! Well, I wanted to see if that first time was just a fluke, like no one realizing what an insane monster person Jacqueline Laurita was for seven seasons of The Real Housewives of Ney Jersey. MAN. What happened there?
that’s my girl. image source: gogogossip.com
YOU GUYS do you know that Vanderpump Rules is secretly my favorite show on Bravo? Well, it used to be anyway. I CANNOT get into this season. I hate Katie Maloney and her boring ass, matte-lipped Eeyore ass (ASS) trying to be the new Stassi shtick to be exhausting and so boring. I might end up team Lala soon if this shit doesn’t change. I do love me some Tom Schwartz and Stassi is amazing but… Stassi seems a little watered down this season and I don’t know what is up with Schena’s weirdo Twilight contacts and ever shrinking nose. James Kennedy is THE WORST PERSON who has ever been on reality television (maybe even worse than Jacqueline Laurita’s daughter Ashleigheeeyyyyeeeee) but he is not wrong about her changing face. Homegirl is turning into a straight up avatar and it is frightening. Can’t she release some horrible new song so we all have something to laugh at? Continue reading
missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!
so happy to have mine back now that this if finally over. image source: giphy.com
SO Danielle finally had her prince charming, Tom- or SO SHE THOUGHT. He had an affair after her oldest daughter, Christine was born but they got through it and after some fertility issues, Jillian was born two years later. Danielle was very rich and says that she and Tom never took out a loan for anything, including their two million dollar home. As she never actually says what Tom did for a living, I am getting shade of Giudice alllll over this. However, like everything else in this “book,” their marriage was no good. With no real explanation, Danielle got a divorce and then was completely destitute (which makes zero sense- she never mentions a pre-nup and you KNOW she would’ve it there was one). So why no alimony or child support from a man who had two million in cash to get a house? Continue reading
missed part one or part two? check em out!
j’accuse! image source: tumblr.com
AND WE ARE BACK with the dramatic continuation of a soap opera come to life, Danielle Staub. Seriously, according to Danielle, anything bad or traumatic that has ever happened to anyone EVER has happened to her times ten. I am LEAVING OUT so many crazy details and STILL her story sounds so made up. Onward!
So Danielle moves with her new guy Kevin up to New Jersey to start a “new” life. Of course, this still included stripping for Danielle, because Kevin liked the money, even though he was an FBI agent. How a woman who had recently been incarcerated in Florida and pled guilty to Kidnapping and Extortion was able to just move away while on probation is beyond me, but I digress. However, after they moved, things did not go well for Dani & Kev. He became increasingly paranoid and jealous of her dancing, even though he made her do it. Continue reading
missed part one? check it out!
duly noted. image source: jezebel.com
SO where were we?? Ah yes, Danielle ran away to Florida and hob-nobbed with the likes of Don Johnson and other celebrities she was too scared to name because libel. She also broke up with her boyfriend Billy after her modeling career took off and he couldn’t keep up with Danielle. She had a fling with a very famous Olympian that I pray was Bruce Jenner, although you know Danielle’s thirst wouldn’t have let her be quiet about that one. Danielle claims that Prince is the “best kisser EVA” which, can you even imagine that? I mean seriously, put that image in your mind. Continue reading
don’t fret, I didn’t pay $3 for this… book. I bought it from the person that did!
Where were you when you first heard the earth-shattering news?
If you don’t know what I am talking about, you better sit down for this one.
Teresa Giudice and Danielle Staub are friends again.
Real Hockwives 