missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

so happy to have mine back now that this if finally over. image source: giphy.com

SO Danielle finally had her prince charming, Tom- or SO SHE THOUGHT.  He had an affair after her oldest daughter, Christine was born but they got through it and after some fertility issues, Jillian was born two years later.  Danielle was very rich and says that she and Tom never took out a loan for anything, including their two million dollar home.  As she never actually says what Tom did for a living, I am getting shade of Giudice alllll over this.  However, like everything else in this “book,” their marriage was no good.  With no real explanation, Danielle got a divorce and then was completely destitute (which makes zero sense- she never mentions a pre-nup and you KNOW she would’ve it there was one).  So why no alimony or child support from a man who had two million in cash to get a house?

don’t think about it too much or your head will explode… image source: tumblr.com

After her divorce, Danielle didn’t want to go back to stripping as she now had two daughters, so, instead of trying to get a job, she joined a dating site called wealthymen.com.  You know, like everyone does!  After dating a man called Johnny Goumba (I swear to go, this book is a gift that never stops giving), Danielle had enough!  She wanted her daughters to be proud of her.  So she joined the cast of the Real Housewives of New Jersey!  I think we all know how that turned out.

aren’t you proud of mommy! image source: giphy.com

Danielle says she was disappointed in how the season went and that she had to talk about Kevin and the infamous “book,” Cop Without a Badge, which was such a huge plotline for the season.

THAT’S IT.

That’s ALL she says about being on the show.  I mean, WTF did I even read this for?  I want some inside dish, like what the WWHL Clubhouse smells like and what it feels like to have Caroline Manzo call you a clown.  I don’t want TWO GENERIC PARAGRAPHS that say nothing we already don’t know!

I paid $0.99 for this nonsense! I expected MORE than this! image source: giphy.com

After a bunch of nonsense garbage about loving yourself and others, at least Danielle gives us this sentence: “Until recently, when my daughter Jillian wrote me two original songs, my favorite song was “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus.  Didn’t Miley’s parents get divorced recently?  Mayhaps Danielle can get herself some Billy Ray and make him her lucky number 20.  THERE is a reality show I can get behind!  It can be called “Danielle’s Achy Breaky Heart” and be on VH1.  I am setting my DVR now!

IS THIS NOT WHAT AMERICA NEEDS RIGHT NOW?! image source: perezhilton.com

I only skimmed the last few pages of this book, which were helpful tips from Danielle on living your best life.  As they are completely obvious to anyone with four or more working brain cells, I will instead leave you with a list of things I learned from Danielle from this literary masterpiece.

1.  Danielle is a flashier name than Beverly.
2. If you move to Miami in the 1980s, you too can make out with Don Johnson, but only if you smell good in an elevator.
3. Always say yes to any man that proposes to you, even if you don’t know him at all, if only for bragging purposes when you are eventually on a tv show.
4. If a man tells you he is an FBI agent, he is probably a liar with a coke problem.
5. When you help your neighbor set up a giant drug deal with the mob, make sure a. he is good for the money and b. that you are not talking on a wiretapped phone when you call to threaten his father.
6. Always be surprised when every man you date is a huge douchebag that you met while working in a strip club in New Jersey.
7. Prepare to be very surprised when all of your past comes out when you are on a huge reality show on national television.

Love and light!

WE WERE ON A BREAK! image source: giphy.com