The Naked Truth: Part Three

missed part one or part two?  check em out!

dnaille staub kill me.gif

j’accuse! image source: tumblr.com

AND WE ARE BACK with the dramatic continuation of a soap opera come to life, Danielle Staub.  Seriously, according to Danielle, anything bad or traumatic that has ever happened to anyone EVER has happened to her times ten.  I am LEAVING OUT so many crazy details and STILL her story sounds so made up.  Onward!

So Danielle moves with her new guy Kevin up to New Jersey to start a “new” life.  Of course, this still included stripping for Danielle, because Kevin liked the money, even though he was an FBI agent.  How a woman who had recently been incarcerated in Florida and pled guilty to Kidnapping and Extortion was able to just move away while on probation is beyond me, but I digress.  However, after they moved, things did not go well for Dani & Kev.  He became increasingly paranoid and jealous of her dancing, even though he made her do it.

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um… alrighty. image source: giphy.com

All in all, Kevin ends up being a piece of shit liar.  It turned out he was NOT actually an FBI agent or even a cop- he was an FBI informant, which anyone who has ever seen an episode of the Sopranos (or Mob Wives) is a FUCKING RAT.  He starts beating Danielle and showing up at the various strip clubs she worked at to intimidate her and the cops won’t even arrest him because he is a valuable source for them.  Eventually, Kev took things too far for even the cops to ignore after he grabbed the owner of one of Danielle’s strip clubs and held a gun to his head.  After Kevin was arrested, Danielle found out that he was actually already married and she was, in fact, the second Mrs. Maher.

 

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boy bye. image source: giphy.com

After that debacle, Danielle moved to New York to get away from everything.  But Kevin found her and they immediately got back together.  Who cares about a little bigamy!  I mean, who in this world can safely say they haven’t gotten married when they are already married!  It happens to the best of us.  Danielle started dancing again, at a new place called Satin Dolls, which is where the filmed all the Bada-Bing! strip club scenes in The Sopranos.  Why Danielle was cast on The Real Housewives of New Jersey and not Mob Wives, I will never know.

 

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I mean, doesn’t this make more sense?  image source: giphy.com

Finally, after a particular nasty fight with Kevin that left her bruised and beaten, he was arrested again and Danielle’s mother helped her escape from him.  Of course, Danielle immediately meets a new man, Tom.  I am so confused by her timeline in this book.  When did she have the time to be engaged 19 times?  She also says she didn’t sleep with all of the men she was engaged to.  Call me crazy, but who has the time and energy to “fall in love” so many times?  Even if she was actively dating for 10 years before she got married for real, that means she would have to have gotten engaged every six months to someone else.

Doesn’t that sound a little… like total bullshit?  Danielle felt bad for breaking so many hearts so for therapeutic purposes, she began reaching out to the men, but UNFORTCH her siren song was too strong, and they kept falling back in love with her again!

 

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what a burden to be so irresistible! image source: giphy.com

Tom stuck around while Danielle was on her Sorry I Breaked Your Widdle Heart tour of the mid-90s, and courted her for a year and a half before they finally went out for sushi.  They fell in love quickly (SHOCKER) and got engaged right away.  Danielle was still dancing, but only because she loved it and liked having her own money, even though Tom gave her a 5 carat “pre-engagement” ring and a 7 carat actual engagement ring.  LOL.  Finally, after marrying Tom, Danielle quit stripping and focused on being a good little “socialite” wife.  She quickly got pregnant and…. this book is almost over and we haven’t even mentioned Teresa Giudice yet…

 

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seriously… can we move this right along? image source: giphy.com

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “The Naked Truth: Part Three

  1. Becca Poirier says:

    I have been reading this book along with you, I have always been interested in her “story” and thought that I would compare notes along with you. I honestly am shocked that you have made it thus far, I am only to the part where she is a “cocktail waitress” in Florida and started being an escort, I am honestly so damn bored and confused I might just call it quits and finish reading your version instead, it certainly is more entertaining.

    Like

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