The Naked Truth: Part Two

missed part one?  check it out!

danielle-staub-garbage

duly noted. image source: jezebel.com

SO where were we??  Ah yes, Danielle ran away to Florida and hob-nobbed with the likes of Don Johnson and other celebrities she was too scared to name because libel.  She also broke up with her boyfriend Billy after her modeling career took off and he couldn’t keep up with Danielle.  She had a fling with a very famous Olympian that I pray was Bruce Jenner, although you know Danielle’s thirst wouldn’t have let her be quiet about that one.  Danielle claims that Prince is the “best kisser EVA” which, can you even imagine that? I mean seriously, put that image in your mind.

dainelle-paris

if only tmz existed back in these days… image source: giphy.com

Now Danielle was doing well with modeling gigs and cocktail waitressing, but not as well as some of her friends.  So naturally, she asked how they had so much more cash and the answer was simple: become an escort!  Which Danielle was happy to do.  She claims to have been paid at least $1000/hour for the pleasure (?) of her company, with a minimum of 10 hours.  NOW DON’T GET IT TWISTED!  She was not some sort of prostitution whore.  Danielle was merely acting as a classy girlfriend for these powerful men and it wasn’t even like, illegal.  Then Danielle says she like totes had the best time escorting and learned a lot and had fun for 6 months.  “Me too!”  said no other escort ever (see: every episode of Law & Order ever, every Lifetime movie and probably Tara Reid).

 

tre-table-flip

this just seemed appropriate here. image source: etonline.com

Next, Danielle jumps into a story about meeting her next BF, Jorge, while working as a stripper. She doesn’t actually tell us that she was dancing for a few pages, and I was confusedly flipping back through pages trying to understand the timeline of model to escort to stripper at “September’s” (which may be the real name of a strip club, but still. lol).  Who needs an editor anyway!  Those are for losers.  We finally find out what was so damning from THE BOOK in the first season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Danielle claims that Jorge was a very connected guy but she didn’t know about any of his business.  Except that one time she introduced her neighbor to some of his associates and he fucked up a drug deal and tried to pin it on her.  When Danielle talked to the guy’s father and told him his son owed $24K (how or why she talked to him, we will never know, as he was just her casual acquaintance allegedly?) and the Feds busted her.  It was a BIG CASE and Danielle saw herself on the news as she was being booked in prison.  Like her former nemesis Teresa Giudice, Danielle was just in the wrong place at the wrong time (oh, and broke the law a lot).

 

danielle-brooks

good luck on the inside! hopefully don Johnson can get on the case. image source: huffingtonpost.com

Danielle’s time in prison, like Teresa’s, doesn’t sound like it was that horrible.  She had a protector and even made a great friend!  Oh, and she was only there for 3 weeks before she was let out.  The fact that they haven’t made The Danielle Staub Story into a Lifetime movie yet is a fact that will keep me up at night.  Just think- Teri Hatcher or maybe even DANIELLE HERSELF could knock it out of the park!  God I would watch the shit out of that movie.  Seriously, we haven’t even gotten to the Bravo stuff yet and we already have a woman who was born to a connected famous mob family from Italy, had six siblings die, was engaged at 15, ran away to Miami where she made out with Don Johnson AND Prince and then went to prison due to her mafia boyfriend?

 

thats-gold-jerry-gold-kenny-bania-seinfeld-quote

who will play Teresa? And Caroline?  And Dina?  image source: gifrific.com

Danielle then works with her lawyer to get a plea bargain, even though she was omg totally innocent.  During this time, she tells the oddest, makes-no-sense story in this whole book and that is saying something.  She meets a man named Kevin Maher (who has the exact name of a guy I used to work with, omg what if it is the same guy) who is investigating her for his friend who thinks Danielle is going to rat on him?  But he is also an FBI agent?  Oh and right after he meets her, he falls in love and they kiss.  Her writing is seriously like trying to figure out what some seventh grader in Maryland is trying to convey in her diary.

 

dear-diary

today I got engaged for the 11th time and then found out I have an evil twin! image source: tumblr.com

Danielle somehow managed to get only probation even though she pled guilty to kidnapping and extortion, and she didn’t have to rat on anyone.  She realized she was very lucky and after a few more months of strippin’ and partyin’, she finally had enough of Miami and was ready to move north…

 

danielle-pay-attention

is andy cohen coming into play soon?  I am exhausted… image source: giphy.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “The Naked Truth: Part Two

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