THIS IS THE END, MY FRIENDS! Day three! I can practically taste the coffee (cough, vodka, cough). Honestly, it hasn’t been that bad. I just feel like Laura Ingalls Wilder’s poor mom who has to make every g-d meal from scratch and then clean up for an hour and then start all over again.
This morning, I had to make the dreaded Pistachio Cardamom Waffles with Rose-Soaked Blackberries. I didn’t dread them because they sounded gross, but because of the complicated prep AND because I don’t have a goddamn waffle iron. Not surprisingly, the folks at goop make a lot of assumptions about “things you already have,” like hemp hulled seeds and sumac spice. I decided to turn these babies into pancakes, as pancakes are basically just waffles with a better complexion.
First up, I had to make the stupid pistachio milk. Why I couldn’t just use coconut milk is beyond me (not really, this is goop and nothing is easy here. It’s NOT All Easy, Gwyn, it’s NOT!)
After I got COVERED in the stupid pistachio milk (I mean, it was comical. If this were an 80s movie, my glasses would’ve had mini-windshield wipers on them they were so coated. I felt like Sandra Bullock in a terrible rom-com at the beginning of the movie where she is still a disaster person before she is saved/completely changed by a sexy misunderstood asshole), I managed to get through the rest of the recipe without losing an appendage.
It was A LOT OF work (I had to make fucking oat flour, what a joke), but the end result was, I must admit, really good. I will say that I didn’t make the rose-soaked blackberries. I drew my line in the sand, did no research about how to go about procuring rose water, just said NOPE and moved on with my life.
It took FOREVER to clean up, and I was really feeling tired of having to do this. BUT, so close to the end! So I wiped the pistachio milk out of my hair with 1000 paper towels and bravely went on.
Lunch sounded good, but SO MUCH CHOPPING: Fresh Thai Salad with Cayenne Cashews. And again, no freaking protein. What’s the deal, goop? Why you hate protein so much? I watched my husband gleefully assemble steak tacos in like 30 seconds flat while I had to make salad dressing from scratch, chop up four veggies and make fucking cayenne roasted cashews.
However, I must say, the final result was beautiful. And delicious. And the first time my photo even slightly resembled goop’s. (GOD the more I type ‘goop’ over and over again, the more I hate it. WHY would you name your site that? It sounds like what comes out of you after a cleanse).
Again, this is not a low calorie detox. There is like 500 calories worth of sesame oil in the dressing alone. Which is kind of disappointing, as this was amazing and delicately filling, but like 800 calories. It didn’t feel 800 calories-filling.
I was so stoked to only have dinner left when I remembered… the carrot chips.
I almosssssst didn’t make them. I really didn’t want to make something that would require me to destroy my kitchen again that didn’t sound great or filling, but I wouldn’t be living the full gospel according to goop if I didn’t do EVERYTHING on this detox (screw you rose water, you don’t count) so I decided to just do it.
FIRST OF ALL, the cooking instructions are straight bananas. Ten minutes at a high temp and then an hour at a lower temp? I didn’t have time for any of this shit. So I decided to drastically cut corners and just baked them at the higher temp and decided I would eat them no matter how horrible and/or burned they were as my punishment for not reading these recipes ahead of time and adjusting accordingly.
These were actually good! I couldn’t believe it. I thought for sure my sentence for not goop-ing properly would be that they tasted like hot garbage, but then again, how bad could roasted carrots really be? They still aren’t chips though.
Finally, we reached the end! My last meal was Turmeric-Roasted Cauliflower with Coconut Lime Forbidden Rice. It actually looked good and sounded filling, so I was hopeful. Most of the meals (fuck you, horchata) have been good on this, and I am genuinely looking forward to eating the avocado cacao mousse again, but this one was just… okay. First of all, the ingrediences are not at all proportional. Explain to me how I am supposed to get a goddamn teaspoon of turmeric over an entire HEAD of cauliflower. I went rogue here and just kept adding it (and more oil too) until each piece had at least a sprinkle. Also, I know salt in huge quantities is not good for you, but why so scared of using ANY AT ALL?! I’m sure this detox was supposed to “cure” me of my salt reliance, but shit is bland without any salt at all! The meal was totally palatable, and I definitely ate more than one serving (the servings in a lot of these recipes are so random; this one had three), but nothing special at all. And forbidden rice looks pretty but is $$$ compared to regular rice even if it does have “as many antioxidants as blueberries,” that shit needs to get a job and pull its weight if it wants a regular rotation in my kitchen.
After cleaning up my destroyed kitchen one final time, I was FINALLY FREE! Well, not really until the next day (plus I still had a shit ton of leftovers in the fridge), but still! No more twenty minutes of prep before I even start making my breakfast! Huzzah!
Overall, I had no major revelations during this detox (I know you are shocked). Nor did I feel AMAZZZZZING after or during it. I felt calm and kind of sleepwalk-y the whole time and definitely felt super tired every day. But the clarity and insane energy most of these cleanses and detoxes promise? Nope.
I can kind of see how Gwyn lives like this— if someone else bought all of these ingredients, made every recipe for me and did all of the work, it really would be ALL EASY! But for us poors and normals, this is not a realistic way to live even more than three days.