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I slept pretty well after my first day on the detox. I was really concerned I would be too hungry to sleep (as was the issue with the juice cleanse I did last summer- I just stared at the ceiling and fumed at the self-created unnecessary situation I was in and counted the minutes), but I was completely satisfied after yesterday’s meals. WHAT HAVE I BECOME!?
My husband tried everything I made yesterday and liked it too, so he decided he would be game to try the day two breakfast: Strawberry Rosemary Overnight Chia Oatmeal. This involved me having to boil coconut milk with fresh rosemary and then steep it, which is by far the douchiest thing I have ever done. I assembled our bowls but was skeptical about how they would taste. I’ve made overnight oats before and mostly remember them tasting like a glue stick melted onto some sawdust. I will say, it was nice to wake up and have breakfast all ready for me.
It was pretty good, although I got tired of it after awhile. This shit seemed to be endless. I shoved it all down knowing that lunch would be lighter and I did feel full until about noon, which was about five hours. Would I make this exact dish again? No, but maybe a variation on it. Or I’ll just eat eggs and toast again because that shit is always delicious. And no one had to make herb infused nut milk like an asshole.
Prepping lunch today was the first time I really dreaded the detox. You forget quickly how nice it is to just eat leftovers or make a quick sandwich or smoothie and not have to make a homemade dressing with 10 ingredients, even if said dressing is delicious. Lunch was Honeyed Jalapeño Lime Quinoa Arugula Salad, which was great, but it was a lot of prep.
I would probably make this again, but it would have been SO much better with some shrimp or some other protein (even tofu!). Gwyn goes on about how quinoa is “protein packed,” but 8g for an entire cup is not exactly killing it. I started to feel really fatigued around this time. I’m not sure if I was getting sick, was just exhausted from having house guests for two weeks or was feeling foggy from the “toxins leaving my body” (lol) but the thought of cleaning my kitchen AGAIN made me want to lay down for nine hours.
Around 1 pm, I was ready to try my afternoon snack: Almond Milk Horchata Shake. I know that horchata is a thing hipsters love, but I didn’t really know what it was exactly but was intrigued to try it. It is incredibly calorie dense (three different kinds of nuts) and I figured it would help me power through my afternoon fatigue. Basically, you just soak walnuts, almonds, cashews and dates and then blend them together with vanilla and cinnamon. Easy peasy, right?
After I successfully transferred the whole mess from my food processor to the blender (#firstworldculinaryproblems), I was ready to just throw the thing out the window, but goop works in mysterious ways, so I bravely went on. I blended the FUCK out of the drink, as I assumed it would have horrible chunky texture from the nuts otherwise. Finally, after my dogs had nine heart attacks from how long I ran the blender, I gave the drink a shot.
Imagine hot peanut butter mixed with water and tiny pieces of cement. I am not sure how goop’s drink was “perfectly cold” considering I did use cold water, but running my shitty blender for 11 hours apparently heated things up a bit. I briefly considered putting it in the fridge for a few hours to see if it would be better cold, but nope. I couldn’t do it. Instead, I ate an apple and some almond butter (kind of the same? Does goop like apples this week? Are they alkaline or whatever? Who cares). Kill me if you must, but my kid got sent home sick in the middle of all this and I was not about to drink a McFlurry’s worth of calories on something this awful. Maybe Gwyn’s vitamix would have rendered this horchata delicious, but mine, alas, did not.
To be honest, after this debacle I was really over this detox. I wanted to have a giant margarita for dinner (at a restaurant, made in someone else’s blender) and not have to peel garlic for the fortieth time that day. But I decided I had to finish as I had already purchased all the ridiculous ingredients and no one should buy raw organic pistachios and let them go to waste.
So, I once again made myself a protein-free dinner: Harissa-Spiced Sweet Potato Soup and Kale. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all (it was about 100 degress outside and hot soup sounded god awful) and was pleasantly surprised when the spices mingled with the tomato paste smelled SO good. Oh goop, you tricky bitch! Just when I am ready to throw in the towel, you pull me back in with a fancy tomato soup!
There was plenty of this soup too. My husband and I each had two big bowls and I will definitely make this again. I still want that margarita though… One more day!
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