Strong Looks Better Naked: Part One {BODY}

rs_634x950-151021145102-634-2khloe-kardashian-book-cover


shouldn’t it be naked looks better strong?  am I missing something? image source: eonline.com

Like most basic bitches in America, Khloe is my favorite Kardashian.  She’s funny and actually seems like she’s in on the joke that is her family sometimes.  I can’t even imagine what an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians would be like without her.  Just a lot of stock footage of the Hollywood sign and them making sexy faces at their phones?  Barf.

khlo gif 1


they literally make millions saying shit like this. image source: giphy.com

When I heard Khloe was coming out with a health/fitness book, I was intrigued.  Even though clearly (klearly?  Nope.  Can’t do it) the Kardashian/Jenner girls have had a little “help” from sources other than trainers/nutritionists (ahem), you have to admit that Khloe’s body looks amazing.  I was not expecting too much, but I thought it would at least be a fun, frothy read.

I can’t even describe what it actually is.  I can’t believe this was published.  It’s… I mean… well, let’s just jump into the review.

Part one: BODY

booty

booty booty booty booty rockin everywhere. image source: eonline.com

First, we open on several sexy photos of Khloe, with her naked looking very strong.  We then learn that Khloe never cared about working out or losing weight, but she was very stressed while living in Dallas while her husband at the time, Lamar Odom (or Lam Lam for those in the know) and was also very bored.  So she went to the gym at the hotel they were living at and (SPOILER ALERT) liked it.

The writing feels a lot like a college paper that has got to be six pages, double spaced, Times New Roman 12 pt font that you totally forgot about until the night before it was due.  And you really only have one idea for it, so you basically just say the same thing over and over again, using synonyms and the word “very” a lot.  Khloe literally just lists emotions in one paragraph: happy, sad, stressed….

jackie d

bored looks better sleeping. image source: giphy.com

SO using the elliptical helped Khloe deal with stress from the paparazzi and the uncertainty of the future of Lamar’s basketball career.  Yay!  This should probably be the end of the book, but I am not even 10% through it.

I am not sure if it just funky formatting from reading this on my phone, but there are quotes in HUGE FONT SIZES that Khloe sprinkles throughout the book.  I mean HUGE- covering four pages.  Maybe in the non-eBook format it looks better, but I feel like more photos of Khloe working out or on vacation or whatever would have been more appealing (and less I AM TRYING TO REACH THE MINIMUM NUMBER OF PAGES REQUIRED BY MY PUBLISHER OMG CAN WE USE COMIC SANS OR SOMETHING TO MAKE WORDS BIGGER).

My biggest issue at this point is… why isn’t it funny? Khloe is legitimately hilarious on KUWTK, so where is that?  Was Scott Disick already on his bender and unavailable to punch it up?

disick

I have no idea what this is in reference to, but I love it and I agree. image source: buzzfeed.com

Anyway Lamar is “struggling” (i.e. smoking crack) and Khloe is dealing with it by sweating away her stress.  She does throw some shade at one “her least favorite” of Kim’s exes, which I am guessing is Kris Humphries because not one person in the world liked that guy.  Not a one.

the hump

more like dumphries amiright. image source: likeareyouserious.tumblr.com

Khloe and Lam Lam go to couples therapy and tell KUWTK producers they need some time off, and everyone assumes something is wrong with Khloe, since it is in Kardashian DNA that when you have a crisis, you invite even more cameras into your life to get that shit on tape.  Her therapist is impressed with her ability to remove herself emotionally from her marital problems and she is proud to say that working out helps her deaden her emotions.  Huzzah!

Then Khloe enlists Gunnar Peterson, celeb trainer extraordinaire to continue to get her into even better shape.  She then proceeds to list her favorite songs to work out to for no shit, like 20 pages.  It’s very Beyonce, Rihanna, Kanye and Justin Beiber heavy.  There are also pull quotes of her favorite lyrics.

leader gif.gif

mind. blown.  image source: imgur.com

This whole thing just kind of feels like a very disorganized and disjointed issue of Shape magazine that someone let Khloe edit from like six years ago.  Khloe also brings photos of celebrity bodies to Gunnar and wants him to train her to get certain body parts, i.e. Beyoncé’s ass.  Because she earned her gigantic ass in the gym.  Like all the Kardashians do.

jan

uh huh. image source: giphy.com

Here is one sentence beginning you would not expect to find in a book by a Kardashian: “As Confucius put it….”

Khloe also gives us some very shady-sounding but very funny “body type” information- after going to her nutritionist (who I am guessing is not a registered dietician as he is mostly described as “hilarious”): it turns out Khloe and Rob should stay away from carbs and dairy as they “can’t process them” but Kim and Kanye have “Ferrari-body types” and can process anything!  I am learning SO MUCH.

cat

and I’m only 1/3 of the way through! brb going to commit murder with a waist trainer. image source: tumblr.com

I just want to know who edited this mess.  Khloe jumps all over the place and constantly contradicts herself “live your life and don’t stress!” “stay focused on your goals at all times!” “I never thought about my weight” “I did every diet on the planet.”  So far, the best part of this book are the photos: Khloe puts a lot of photos of herself from about 2011 next to what she looks like now and it is pretty amazing.  I am just not sure why she didn’t have Gunnar Peterson help her write this?  He did write one section (as did her HILARIOUS dairy-fearing, water-worshipping nutritionist, Phillip Goglia, which sounds like the most made-up name ever) and it was definitely more organized.  Lucky for us though, instead someone gave Khloe a big pink notebook and some jelly roll pens and told her to “write a book!”

khloe dead.gif

just imagine if Kylie wrote this book. image source: giphy.com

Up next we will Kook with Khloe and then learn about MIND and HEART.  Kan’t wait.

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8 thoughts on “Strong Looks Better Naked: Part One {BODY}

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