Life is Not a Reality Show: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

kyle loony

see how much I love my sister Kim?  DO YOU SEE!? image source: wifflegif.com

First off, Kyle explains how she and Kim are “different” people because Kim likes ketchup and Kyle likes mustard.  Kim likes hamburgers, Kyle likes hot dogs.  Oh well, glad we cleared that all up!  Time to pack it in and go home now!

bye.gif

oh… there’s still like 100 pages left. image source: giphy.com

All kidding aside, Kim’s addiction is obviously very sad.  Kyle never addresses it head on, just explains that they have a long history together and there were some “issues” that shouldn’t have been brought up on television.  But then Kyle admits that she is the one that brought Kim onto RHOBH.  Wait, what?

hold up

HOLD THE PHONE. image source: allhiphop.com

Kyle, you wanted your struggling alcoholic former child star sister to come on a goddamn reality show?  WHY?!  To make yourself look better by comparison?  Of course Kim isn’t going to turn down a bunch of money to be in front of the camera again.  Kyle again tries to justify her behavior by saying that Kim was shy and awkward on camera because she actually wasn’t friends with any of the other ladies, but in real life, she is just as tough and outspoken as Kyle.  Oh, well no problem then.

anyway

god, Kyle is just THE WORST. image source: wifflegif.com

Moving on to more important things, like hair care!  I can’t believe Kyle followed up this chapter about her fraught relationship with her poor sister with her favorite shampoos, but whatevs, she’s obviously not losing any sleep at night.  Anyway, my BFF Big Kathy was always adamant that Kyle keep her long brunette locks in the same style forever because that was her “signature look” which is very Barbizon/America’s Next Top Model of her, but BK is not wrong.  Kyle’s hair is amazing and even I can admit that.  Kyle did stray a few times from her normal ‘do, like when she went blonde.

blonde kyle richards

this is so 90s Malibu Barbie and I’m not mad at it.

 

Kyle tries to once again sound like a normal by saying she LOVES Pantene for her hair and she makes everyone use it and omg it’s the best and she doesn’t get paid to shill for Pantene but like she totally should, lololol isn’t she just the CUTEST?!

j woww

NO.  NO she is not. image source: thehollywoodreporter.com

Kyle offers up a bunch of make-up and hair tips that just seem SO 90s, I love it.  Her inside scoop for finding a make-up artist is, no joke, is to look in the Yellow Pages.  I legit checked to make sure this book wasn’t actually published in 1997, but NOPE, 2012.  Also, Kyle thinks hair extensions are dumb and ruin your hair but she does take this opportunity  to throw a little shade at her niece, Paris Hilton: “Paris has her own line of hair extensions and really likes the look they give her.”

paris hilton

whatever, Aunt BITCH. image source: giphy.com

Next up, Kyle talks about everyone in Beverly Hills’ obsession: plastic surgery!  Which is like, so cute for you, but Kyle just doesn’t “get it.”  After shaming basically everyone she knows for overusing fillers and Botox, Kyle admits that she has used a little Botox herself and oh, had a nose job too.   Then she goes on a weird rant about how NO ONE needs breast implants except those who had a mastectomy.  She feels this way because her mother died of breast cancer, which I get, but she is just so all over the place. Ha! Ha!

mr big

seriously, how is this book not exploded in flames from the devil eyes I have been shooting it the entire time I’ve been reading it? image source: giphy.com

Kyle next gives us a bunch of bullshit fashion advice which I mostly skimmed as Kyle’s whole look is long straight hair, a giant hot pink bedazzled caftan and enormous chandelier earrings for maximum swinging potential when screaming at your “friends” on camera.  See Kyle, it doesn’t take 25 pages to explain that.  One thing that Kyle reminds us 100 times in three pages is that SHE LOVES SHOES OMG YOU GUYS!

carrie bradshaw.gif

dude how Samantha Jones is Lisa Vanderpump? image source: farnazforever.com

Kyle also loves PURSES, so much that she even has her own handbag line which I have never heard of and I am sure it has shuttered by now.  Perhaps I will look up where I can buy them in the Yellow Pages someday.  All of her style tips basically boil down to “find what works for you!” which, le duh, but how is that helpful?  I mean, I paid $0.01 for this book, tell me how to fucking style my scarf, bitch.

nene snaps

did I STUTTER, Kyle? image source: giphy.com

Kyle then bashfully tells us that she loves to entertain by declaring, “Everyone says that my husband and I are the best entertainers because when everyone comes to our house, they never want to leave.”  Maybe that’s because your friends are people like Faye Resnick who couldn’t try harder to become the next housewife on RHOBH if she wanted to and Bravo cameras are at your place 24/7, but I digress.  Anyway, best party planner in the universe Kyle gives a bunch of boring ass tips that read like they came out of a tattered copy of Redbook from 2012 that you found at your doctor’s office.  She talks mad shit about boring parties that her friends have thrown and then mentions her MILLIONS of perfect parties she has had at her house (she says things like “at MY Cinco de Mayo parties.” Like she has one every year, in addition to her white party, Christmas and Hanukkah parties, Halloween party, Thursday parties, I got a new lipstick at CVS today bash, etc).  I am so over Kyle at this point I can barely keep my eyes on the page they are rolling so hard.

kyle face

barf.  I bet her cinco de mayo parties are probably fun though. I think i maybe just want a margarita a lot right now. image source: wifflegif.com

Kyle finishes off this pile of hot garbage but letting us know she has millions of super fancy friends that are so important they refuse to be filmed for RHOBH.  And on that fun note, PEACE!

One thought on “Life is Not a Reality Show: Part Three

  1. Megan says:

    My sister borrowed this book from a friend and we took turns reading it out loud to one another and we couldnt stop dying laughing – haha (see what i did there 😀) but yes my favorite part was her party planning advice ( i.e. step 1, think of a theme, step 2, write a to do list) like what in the actual heck?!? But your Redbook comparison was spot on.

    Like

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