missed part one, part two or part three? check ’em out!
So now that we have learned every single way to improve ourselves through plastic surgery, including the risks and chance of complications, we move onto Part Three, where Heather and Terry list their favorite products. I thought we already did this, but I guess Consult BEAUTE hasn’t had enough plugs yet, so here we go.
the sink enhances the BEAUTE of my 40 million dollar manse. image source: lipstickalley.com
missed part one or part two? check ’em out!
So where were we? Ah yes, liposuction and how to avoid dying and/or looking horrible after your plastic surgery procedures. Terry next talks about chemical peels and… this is boring, you guys. Like really boring. And only applicable if you are interested in learning EVERYTHING about every plastic surgery option EVER. It’s like listening to someone read you the little pamphlets at your doctor’s office about things like Hypertension or Asthma. I am so so so bored….
well jesus, heather, this isn’t what I thought I was getting! image source: tumblr.com
Doesn’t the name Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig sort of imply that a. they have tried all of these procedures and b. they gave something a try that might be something a little outside the box? So far it’s “I like this mascara” and “don’t get your boobs done by your dental hygienist.” Anyway, we must soldier on. Next, we learn that Terry is actually a really decent man. As in he refuses to operate on children under 18, even with parental permission and boldly states that no one under the age of 40 should require any type of anti-aging surgery ever. He says that there a metric shitton of crappy plastic surgeons (and other doctors, as any surgeon can perform any surgery) who will always be happy to take your money in exchange for doing a risky or unnecessary procedure, so it is SO important to do your research on your doctors.
cool guy Terry in his leather jacket ain’t having it. image source: bravotv.com
Terry reminds us over and over again to do extensive research so you end up with someone who is ethical and who has had a ton of experience. For example, he says that when he worked on the Fox reality show The Swan, he got a ton of practice in a very short amount of time.
Hold the phone.
He was a plastic surgeon on THE SWAN?!?
just your basic makeover show, involving 40 procedures done in a row. image source: imgur.com
In case you don’t remember 2004, The Swan was a reality makeover competition where a bunch of plain women were given a crazypants number of plastic surgery procedures, hair extensions and fitness/diet consultation while not being allowed to see themselves heal (there were no mirrors in the sad, sad Swan house). The women were shown their “makeover” and then were lucky enough to compete in a horrible pageant to see who was truly THE SWAN. The show was criticized heavily for, you know, seemingly putting these poor women through a fuck ton of psychological trauma for “good tv.” How is Terry in ANY situation to criticize the morals of other surgeons when he was a part of this circus??!
your circus, your monkeys, buddy. image source: giphy.com
Terry follows up this shocker with a sad but amusing anecdote about notorious plastic surgery addict Michael Jackson. Apparently, Terry knew some of the doctors that worked on him and in the later years, they would just put Michael under and bandage his face and tell him that the surgery went great, even though they had done nothing. Terry is quick to point out that this is unethical, but a lot of people get very addicted to chasing the “perfect” surgery that will solve all of their problems. Next, we talk about malpractice, assessing your surgery goals (being happier with your appearance vs. expecting all of your problems to go away), and Heather explains why she never had her boobs done after kids (they magically got better with time!) I still can’t get over the whole Swan nonsense.
I mean, yeah, but still! image source: realitytvgifs.tumblr.com
Then he seriously just goes through every plastic surgery ever and talks about what it does, how much it hurts, what to expect from the recover, blah blah blah…I am just not sure who this book could help? Couldn’t you just google this shit fo’ free and put the money you would’ve spent on the book toward your surgery?
I get it, someone’s gotta pay for that porte cochere! image source: giphy.com
missed part one? check it out!
Heather finishes up her monologue about sunscreen (wear it always unless you WANT to look like the crypt keeper, you savage) with a story about how she went tanning one time when she was a pageant contestant (of course she was). But it didn’t work on her fair skin and she turned blotchy, oh noes! Of course, Heather points out that she did win Miss Congeniality in the Miss New York pageant, marking the first time in Real Housewives history that anyone has been considered congenial.
I bet Sandy Bullock could play Heather in a RHOOC movie, except I’m sure Heather would prefer to play herself. image source: tumblr.com
I’m guessing it’s mostly botox? image source: goodreads.com
Heather Dubrow, I just don’t know about you. I used to actually like that you seemed to have your shit together both professionally AND emotionally, which is a unicorn in Real Housewives-land. But then I listened to your podcast where you mostly complained about the stress of spending $500K on cabinets and you lost me. However, Heather is married to the atypical Real Housewife husband as Terry is a. gainfully employed in a way that is not reliant on Bravo and b. seems to be an incredibly successful plastic surgeon (see: $500K on cabinets). Also, his brother was in Quiet Riot, did you know that?! Anyway, they seem to really love each other and will probably weather the reality tv divorce curse. Continue reading
last one I swear! missed part one, part two, part three, part four or part five? check ’em out!
Holly is finally doing it, you guys! Except for everyone else in the world is STILL out to get her. During her run on Dancing with the Stars, producers asked her to mention Hef and Playboy in her intro segment so people would know who she was. Holly couldn’t BELIEVE that Playboy was still following her into her new career on her own! Holly’s memory seems to be incredibly short as she apparently didn’t realize that without Playboy or The Girls Next Door, no one would know who she was. She refused to mention Hef, but agreed to mention being on the show. I understand how reality stars like Holly don’t necessarily realize that they are going to be pigeon-holed like they are when they sign on for a show, but she isn’t stupid. She had to be aware of the fact that she was known because of Playboy, plain and simple. However, Holly was now in the driver’s seat and ready to move on.
he just won’t go away! image source: giphy.com
missed part one, part two, part three or part four? check em out!
SO Holly is at a crossroads and needs to decide if it’s time for her to give life outside of Playboy the old college try. After her pseudo-date with magician (I can’t believe that is really an adult job) Criss Angel, Hef called Holly and screamed at her. Apparently, her security had told on her and said that Holly had a man in her room, even though she maintains that she did nothing wrong. After that outburst, Holly decides once and for all that it’s time to pack her shit and GTFO of the mansion forever.
i’ll just pack up my 900 juicy couture track suits, nipple tassels and lip gloss and be on my way. image source: giphy.com
missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!
So after the whole debacle of not getting paid for the first season of The Girls Next Door, Holly, Bridget and Kendra became savvier to the whole reality game and quickly started enjoying themselves. The enormous popularity of the show helped boost Hef’s ego, and he even stopped requiring the girls to sleep with him any longer, much to Holly’s relief.
don’t let the door hit you in your old balls! image source: giphy.com
missed part one or part two? check em out!
Just when Holly didn’t think things could get ANY worse, life at the Playboy mansion proved to be hell over and over again. Hef didn’t think she was pretty enough to be a Playmate, the mean girls just kept getting nastier and nastier and Holly was losing every bit of her individuality.
it that all there is? image source: tumblr.com
missed part one? check it out!
don’t I look SO HAPPY? image source: giphy.com
Holly, now saved from a life of living on the streets, moved into the Playboy mansion. Upon her arrival, she was surprised that none of the other girls helped her move in or took her aside to give her an orientation about living there. I don’t know the etiquette for living in an alternate universe naked lady sorority house that is ruled by an elderly dictator in a silk robe, but Holly had just complained about how all of these girls “tricked her” into sleeping with Hef, so I don’t know why she was surprised.
not gonna lie, I’m legit excited for this. image source: amazon.com
Oh Holly Madison. I can’t quit you, even though I REALLY wanted to after reading The Vegas Diaries and couldn’t stand to hear one more second of your victimhood. But then my sweet sister-in-law gave me this book for my birthday and I realized maybe I just didn’t care that much about Holly’s life post-mansion, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE a good tell-all! So hold on to your hats, kids. This one is a doozy!
Real Hockwives 