missed part one, part two, part three or part four? check em out!

SO Holly is at a crossroads and needs to decide if it’s time for her to give life outside of Playboy the old college try.  After her pseudo-date with magician (I can’t believe that is really an adult job) Criss Angel, Hef called Holly and screamed at her.  Apparently, her security had told on her and said that Holly had a man in her room, even though she maintains that she did nothing wrong.  After that outburst, Holly decides once and for all that it’s time to pack her shit and GTFO of the mansion forever.

After a few months of awkward limbo living at the mansion while she finished her scenes for The Girls Next Door, Holly finally left for good.  And went straight into the arms of an angel.  Unfortunately for her, it wasn’t a bunch of sad dogs she got to hug.  Instead, she moved right into another relationship with Crissssss Angel and (spoiler alert!) things quickly derailed.  At first Holly loved the attention that Crisssss lavished on her, including several pieces of jewelry (with no bunny head in sight!) and talking about her in the press whenever he got the chance.  But over time (like, two months), Holly began to realize that not only was Crisssss sensationalizing their relationship to get as much media attention as possible, but that she was no better off than she had been when she left the mansion.

Instead of having her own career as an individual separate from Playboy, Holly quickly realized that she was just a professional girlfriend… again.  Crisssss was incredibly controlling and Holly had to live and breathe by his schedule.  Look, she gives an incredibly detailed list of all of his grievances that are exactly what you imagine (he hated any affiliation with Playboy or Hef, blah blah blah) but Holly is downright COLD about him.  She calls him “basically illiterate” (it just took my six tries to spell that right, don’t tell Holly), literally recites horrible reviews of his show “Mind Freak” from the LA Times and just makes fun of him for an entire chapter.  It’s petty af, but so is Holly, and I loved it.

Holly manages to finally extract herself from yet another bad relationship and runs back to Los Angeles to try to pick up the pieces.  After staying with Hef’s secretary Mary for awhile, Holly decides to stop feeling sorry for herself (FINALLY) and start making some shit happen.  First though, she had to unpack all of her emotions surrounding her two dramatic break-ups.  Since she jumped right into things with Crissss (I think I have misspelled his name 5 times in this post, but his illiterate ass spelled it wrong in the first place), Holly never really dealt with her break-up with Hef and how leaving Playboy behind her changed her identity forever.  Holly decides not to dwell on the past (which is good, but I am pretty sure homegirl would have really benefited from some deep therapy to maybe understand her own part in these terrible relationships, but it’s never Holly’s fault so never mind) and get on track!  First up, making a list of life goals!

Luckily for Holly, her list is conveniently things she later accomplished handily.  Not that I don’t think Holly did have some specific goals on her bucket list, but this seems a little like making a to-do list of shit you have already done so you can pat yourself on the back for dropping off the dry cleaning.  Regardless, first up on Holly’s list: join the cast of Dancing with the Stars!  Holly had met with producers of the show before, but Chrisssss thought it was a bad idea and only for losers (Trump-esque, that one), so Holly had let that dream go.  Without a boyfriend to tell her what to do for once, Holly finally gets her opportunity after Jewel had to drop out.  (Did anyone see Jewel on the Rob Lowe roast?  She was a goddamn delight).  But will it be enough to finally step out on her own two feet (hurrr hurrrr)?  Will America accept someone who was in a polygamistic sexy version of Sister Wives: Old Man Edition?