Xo,G Wine: A Review

wine-time

these come with “shatterproof” glasses so I guess when you throw them against the wall in protest of the wine, they don’t make a mess.

Oh Giuliana Rancic, nee DePandi… If I watched E! News (and why anyone with a computer would watch that mess when everything on it is available online in a way less annoying format), I am sure I would miss you.  I did watch it every night when I briefly lived in Los Angeles, mostly to who had gotten arrested that day: Paris, Lindsay, Britney or Nicole.  2005/2006 was an exciting time in LA.

pathetic-gif

well, yeah, but like, you reported on it. image source: giphy.com

I never really watched Giuliana and Bill, her reality show with her husband, first season The Apprentice winner Bill Rancic (which now makes me sort of hate him irrationally, just because of the association with Trump), but apparently some people did because it had SIX freaking seasons.  Anyway, G has turned herself into a shill master since she left E! News a few years ago, hocking everything from wine to clothing.  Because I was at Wal-Mart picking up Skinnygirl booze, I decided to take the plunge and buy Giuliana’s wine, Xo, G.  The “revolutionary” packaging comes with four glasses, so you don’t NEED anything else to “enjoy” this wine-like product (my description).  I apparently hate myself, so I decided to go with the mixed package, so I could try both her Pinot Grigio and Pinot Noir.

brave-face

I know, I AM brave, thank you so much for noticing! image source: giphy.com

I again made my poor parents try these wines with me, just in case I immediately died and no one was around to alert my out-of-town husband.  Also, I was kind of scared.  I had already made them try Skinnygirl margaritas & Brandi Glanville’s Unfiltered “wine”, so they were… skeptical at best.

First up, the pinto greeg:

xog-pinot-grigio

like an adult juice box… that no one asked for.

ME: NOPE.  GOD, NO!  I hate Pinot Grigio, but this?  This is just… no.

MOM: Bitter!  God!  Awful!  NO!

DAD:  Weed killer!  It tastes like WEED KILLER!  Save it to KILL YOUR WEEDS!

So obviously, we loved it.

After that fun family moment, we tried to Pinot Noir:

xog-pinot-noir

doesn’t it just look… ominous?

ME: I mean, it’s not as outright hostile as the other one, but there is just literally nothing to it… it tastes like wine that was made from shitty grapes right in front of you.  Is there even any alcohol in this?*

MOM: It doesn’t taste like anything.  Seriously, can I go back to my chardonnay now?  Is this the last disaster you are going to make me try?

DAD:  REALLY BAD, God, just awful.  I didn’t think anything could be worse than the white, but then this!  What IS this?  Do people ACTUALLY BUY THIS?!**

* this was a serious concern, as the alcoholic content of most beverages I have tried is the one saving grace

** WHAT IS THIS DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY BUY THIS should be my new tagline

Another homerun.

Shockingly, I would not recommend this product, unless you have to give a gift to someone you hate or if you like to torture your family with hideous wine tastings (like me!)

tipsy-g

we had to get tipsy on OTHER WINE to forget about ever trying this! image source: giphy.com

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