Ah, Lisa Vanderpump.  How can you not love this woman?  She is like a British brunette, business-savvy Strawberry Shortcake brought to life.  As Beverly Hills tends to be the most fantastical of all of the Real Housewives (or Houzzzzwiiiives, as Kyle Richards says) franchises, and Lisa’s own Xanadu, Villa Rosa, has live swans to greet you at the floating walkway to her front door.

I am also a HUGE Vanderpump Rules fan, so I love me some LVP.  That being said, I never thought for even one second that this sangria would be any good. First of all, I am confused because her daughter, the perfectly named Pandora, is in charge of this line and I feel like Lisa’s love for her daughter might be clouding her RIDICULOUS glitter-covered judgment.  (Also, I am very confused as to why Pandora’s last name is Vanderpump?  Isn’t her dad Ken TODD [what a name! Two first names!  Incidentally, I don’t trust him] and she has since been married.  I am all for feminism but WE ALL KNOW you took your mother’s name because of RHOBH, PANDY.)

BACK TO THE SANGRIA.  So, I forced my poor husband to do this predictably tragic wine tasting with me.  I figured I needed at least one other opinion and I made him promise not to let his hatred of all things Bravo (how are we even married) cloud his judgment on what will CLEARLY be fabulous “aromatic wine beverages.”  Oh yes.  We are not dealing with simple wine here, folks.  We are dealing with wine beverages.

FIRST UP, the LVP Pink.

SO Lisa (or perhaps my nepotistic nemesis PANDY) recommends that you drink LVP Pink “over ice and FRUITS, particularly raspberries or strawberries,” but I didn’t have any, so we used peaches.  I sincerely doubt this compromised the flavor, as a peach counts as a “fruits.”

INITIAL THOUGHTS:

Kate: It’s very… pink.

Husband: It looks like Beringer white zin.

SNIFF TEST:

Kate: It smells like medicine.

Husband: It doesn’t smell as bad as it looks.*

*Not a compliment!

TASTE TEST:

Kate: Kid tested, mother approved.  It tastes like what a kid thinks wine will taste like.

Husband: This tastes like terrible apple juice. Or maybe apple cider.

We have also discovered by now that there is hardly ANY booze in this, which is troubling.  (My note for this read “no booze = NOPE NOPE BARF BAD GARBAGE.”  I may have already been drinking before we started this tasting.)  It tastes like it will give you a wicked hangover, so I would like to it to at least inebriate me.

Up next!  LVP Red.

This had a suggestion for an orange liqueur or brandy (?) addition, which we had neither (half of our bar is still at our old house).  So I just cut up some apples and we went for it!

INITIAL THOUGHTS:

Kate: It… looks like the color of red sangria?

Husband: Are we still doing this?

SNIFF TEST:

Kate: It smells like cartoon grapes.

Husband: It smells like a raspberry parfait.  Or like a lot of artificial berries.

TASTE TEST:

Kate: Hmmmmm….. um, well…. it certainly ends on a nail polish remover note.

Husband: It tastes like shitty sugar-free grape juice.  With hints of currant?*

*my husband is a far nicer person than I am and I think he was trying to say something nice.  That he certainly did not mean.

So after trying both, I decided to get creative and go all VANDERPUMP HURRICANE style.

NOPE.  Still no good.  I said out loud, and I quote, “oh, my tummy” after two sips of this.

So bottom line, I would give LVP Sangria a HARD PASS.  But, be assured, I will try any other drinks this woman puts out in the future.  Hopefully her Ken “Hot Todd-y” will fare better.