Phine Body: Donkey Booty Volume 1: A Review

donkey 1

I mean, I would trust this more than Kim Kardashian’s workout. image source: amazon.com

I’m going to be fully honest with y’all right now: Phaedra Parks is my favorite Real Housewife.  OF ALL TIME.  Seriously.  I can’t get enough of her. She is the only one of my favorites who I haven’t gone lukewarm on thus far (former faves who have disappointed me include: Bethenny Frankel, Nene Leakes, Sonja Morgan, Lisa Rinna, Brandi Glanville and Tamara Judge).

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HEART EYES EMOJI. image source: tumblr.com

So I am going to have to try really hard to not root for Miss Parks’ Phine Body (marketing!  Miss P knows what she is doing) over Kenya’s Kenya Moore Booty Boot Camp, which I will also be reviewing this week.  In the Booty vs. Booty workout DVD war (man, I love that this is a real thing between two grownass women), I find myself automatically being #teamphaedra.  BUT (ha, get it) I am going to try to be open-minded and see which Atlanta lady will give me the donkey booty we all dream of.

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with a side of stallion booty. image source: giphy.com

Now, it’s sort of sad to see Phaedra and Apollo working together knowing what’s to come for them down the line.  However, even though they are no longer married and Apollo unfortch landed himself in the clink, he can still hold his head high knowing that the resident drunken grapefruit of RHONJ Joe Giudice is his new prison BFF: http://www.intouchweekly.com/posts/joe-giudice-apollo-nida-jail-98259

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what do you think they talk about? andy cohen? below deck? Ramona Singer’s crazy eyes? image source: sheknows.com

BY THE WAY have you guys watched The Real Hotwives on Hulu yet?!  It stars Casey Wilson and Danielle Schneider (they of the Bitch Sesh: Real Housewives Breakdown podcast) and also Tymberlee Hill as “Phe Phe,” the Phaedra of the group.  She is AMAZING and also has one million jobs, just like our girl.  One of them is owning and operating a marital service for dogs called “Bow Vows.”  WATCH IT NOW!

Anyway, onto the workout!

THE MUSIC:

It was techno-y and basic workout jams.

THE SET

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MURDER HOUSE. Just a hunch.

The set looks exactly like the opening scene of an episode of CSI: Miami where a particularly gruesome murder has taken place.  You can practically see the drops of blood on the shiny white floors and David Caruso glowering at the pool, where they finally find the body of some dead hooker in an Herve Legere dress.  Even though this is LA, not Miami.  And it is GORG and a very nice set.

THE WORKOUT

The warm-up is just Phaedra and some girl named Ann or Kris or whatever.  We will call her Ann-Kris, although we will never mention her again because she is just there to be there and do nothing.  Miss Parks is calling the shots, y’all.  Unlike every other celeb workout I have ever done (an embarrassing number), Phaedra and Apollo actually do the cueing and directing here.  Phaedra takes us through a warm-up filled with fantastically named exercises, such as “the Disco lady” and “the Kid ‘n Play.”  Ann-Kris is bad at the Kid ‘n Play.

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Phaedra’s amazing outfit + “the disco lady” is EVERYTHING.

My dogs had second hand embarrassment for me while I did the cowgirl moves. Serious canine side-eye.

For the actual workout, Apollo joins us and he MEANS BUSINESS.

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they all coordinate with the lime accents, a la Destiny’s Child. Phaedra is FOR SURE Beyoncé, Apollo is Kelly and Ann-Kris is Michelle.

Apollo and his serious fitness face take us through a shitload of squats, lunges and more squats and lunges.  He says workout things like “fast-twitch” and “slow-twitch muscles” a LOT but never really explains what he means or how we are using them.  That’s okay though because this workout is actually sort of hard.

I found myself looking at the gorgeous patio in the background, wishing I were having cocktails with Phaedra instead of doing this workout.

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two chairs!  sorry Apollo and Ann-Kris, you are not invited.

For the end of the workout, Apollo asks us to grab a milk jug.  He does not specifiy whether it is supposed to be filled or not.  Because I am an idiot, I assume it isn’t and because I don’t have a milk jug just hanging out in my basement, I grab my son’s John Deere push mower to be my jug replacement.

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look at Phaedra’s jug(s)

Once I realized my mistake, I grabbed a 10 pound hand weight and finished the workout.  Honestly, it wasn’t bad!  I mean, is it going to give you a donkey booty if you are not genetically blessed with a bountiful backside?  No, but it was definitely a good lower-body workout.  Let’s see what Kenya has to bring to the table…

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I can’t imagine Kenya will be able to top Phaedra’s knee-length lime green corset singlet. #ensemblepointparks

2 thoughts on “Phine Body: Donkey Booty Volume 1: A Review

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