Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Yep, we’re still here.

So far, we have learned that dressing, doing your hair and make-up and all other physical appearance duties are in fact, duties, as they are to keep your man outta da strip clubs.  You better also learn how to cook, bitch.  And cook GOOD- like his mama.  Exactly like his mama.  Because all men LOVE food and my god have mercy on your soul if you eff up his mostaccioli, he will CHEAT ON YOU and DIVORCE YOU and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

Melissa is very into telling you about ALL MEN.  All men love their mother’s cooking, need you to get along perfectly with their parents regardless of how they treat you, make adjustments in your personality/looks/behavior to suit their needs, need to have sex all the time, need a woman to take care of their children/home.  Yes, Melissa, ALL MEN are exactly like Joe Gorga.  Which is why America is basically Jersey Shore: The Later Years.  Ask my grandma, Snooki about it.  She’ll tell ya.

I think I have figured out why Melissa didn’t narrate this book herself- unless Joe goes with her, she doesn’t travel.  Her job is to be a WIFE first, a MOTHER second, and an author/tragic “pop star” last.  Although, didn’t Joe build her a recording studio in her basement for her, ahem, singing career?  Couldn’t she have done this there? Who cares.  Anyway, the narrator clearly has no knowledge of Melissa or the RHONJ because she pronounces “Caroline Manzo” “Carolyn Manzo.”

In addition to cooking correctly, you BETTER have a spotless house, woman.  And don’t you dare ask your mans to help you.  As Melissa says, “do you really want to see your man on his knees with a bucket of soapy water?”  Of course you don’t!  No women do!

Then she tells an absolutely charming story of how Joe once refused to change a lightbulb because that isn’t work for him to do.  They ate dinner in the dark and Melissa didn’t argue, because it’s not her place.  You got that?  NEVER question your husband, even when he is being a complete asshole.  Not if you don’t want him to start going to strip clubs every night, you crazy broad!

Melissa tells us more SUPER HELPFUL things, like men really want to dominate and women want to submit.  And all men need to be coddled, comforted and must NEVER EVER know that you poop or fart EVER.  This is so important if you want to stay married.  Also, you must greet your man when he gets home from work (of course, because you don’t work because you are a housewife and a mother and have NO OTHER identity, you silly girl), you better look cute, have a hot meal on the table and for the love of GOD don’t ask him to change a fucking light bulb.

You know, when I started this book, I honestly thought that by the end of it, Joe and Melissa would’ve filed for divorce (that’s how long the five hours of narration felt).  It seems that the smuggest married people who looooooove to force their relationship ideas onto any single people around them always end up having the nastiest divorces (see: Ramona Singer) when karma kicks them in the (well-toned, for my husband!) ass.  But honestly?  I think these two idiots will stay married.  Melissa seems so terrified of ever upsetting Joe that maybe these two crazy kids will make it after all!  BUT, seriously?

It makes me sad that Joe and Melissa have a daughter (whom Joe will NEVER let date, even though he plans to get a “side entrance” for his two sons to bring girls into their rooms) who is going to be taught that she doesn’t matter.  When JOE GIUDICE, who most likely got his nitwit wife thrown in prison for his crimes, looks like he’s a better partner than you are, you might want to pump the breaks.  Plus, someone who says things like “gorgasm” and “when your wife says no, turn her around and rip her clothes off?”

You two assholes deserve each other.