Life is Not a Reality Show: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

rhobh laughing

“so glad I’m here to keep all you ladies down to earth!” image source: giphy.com

So where were we?  Kyle quickly won over Mauricio’s whole family, natch, and then lists a bunch of times he pissed her off.  To quote a Kardashian, there is LITERALLY no organization to her book.  It is the most unedited mess I have ever read, and that is saying a lot.  Not only does Kyle jump all over the place, she punctuates nearly every sentence with Ha! Ha!  ESPECIALLY when things are not at all funny.  You just know Kyle finds herself to be so goddamn delightful and this book just reflects that.

kyle rhobh opening

you wish you were me! Ha! Ha! image source: giphy.com

After her weird recapping over previous fights she has experienced (homegirl cops to throwing a bunch of shit at Mauricio, which I think she thinks makes her sound relatable.  It does not), we finally get back to MY favorite person in this book: Big Kathy!

jonah hill excited

actual ha! ha! image source: giphy.com

First off, Kyle talks about the understated, classy ring that her mother gave her before she died: a ten (and a half! ha! ha!)-carat diamond monstrosity that Kyle wears every day.  You know, how one does.  Kyle insists that her mother gave her the ring and not Kim or Kathy because “they already had large jewelry collections.”  Somehow, I feel like even if Kim Richards did have an impressive number of watches and earrings at one time, that ship has loooooong since sailed.  One time, two men were following Big Kathy and Kyle as they were driving, and Big Kathy had had enough of that shit so she pulled over, ran right up to the car and shoved her gigantic ring in the driver’s face and screamed “SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE?!”  That is some straight up Mommy Dearest shit and I love it.

big kathy

BIG KATHY.  Are you not getting major Red from Orange is the New Black vibes from her? Now I can think of her only as Russian and as the head bitch in charge, which she was.

Now, I feel like Big Kathy’s boss attitude worked for her in a way that Kyle’s… doesn’t.  She tells a story about screaming at a woman at Neiman Marcus who tried to shush her baby that makes her just sound like a fucking asshole.  Big Kathy would’ve shut that shit down while still acting like a lady.  Big Kathy was married four times, loved to eat and chain smoke and was just an all-around badass.

kyle richards mean.gif

the truth hurts, kyle. you are no big Kathy no matter how much you scream at everyone in Beverly Hills. image source: giphy.com

In between giving us Big Kathy goodness, Kyle takes the opportunity to brag about how everyone always wants to know how her children turned out so nice.  Kyle seems to think that this is a reflection of her stellar parenting, but I suspect people ask because they are surprised that she could produce offspring that aren’t total dickbags.

trump smug

I would prefer to NEVER use Trump for anything, but when you google “smug gifs” this is pretty much all that comes up. image source: giphy.com

In another one of her circus-looking sidebars (seriously, the graphic design of this book is freaking hilarious), Kyle once again shows us how “like us” she is by giving us a glimpse into a day in her life.  It’s everything you never wanted to know!

JANET

I KNOW Janet, I KNOW. image source: giphy.com

Kyle gets up at 6 am because she is such a morning person and then immediately complains about how tired she is.  “Hey, where are my glasses? Oh my God, they’re on top of my head.  See how tired I am?”  Is there anything more insufferable than a person who wakes up early unnecessarily seemingly for the sole purpose of complaining about how tired they are and how early they got up to anyone who will listen.  Kyle also uses Coffeemate in her coffee, just like a poor!

jimmy whaaaat

My mind is literally blown! image source: tumblr.com

Then Kyle complains a lot about school lunches, two meetings and taking her daughter to soccer practice.  You know what, this is so boring, it really does sound like the diary of an average lady.  UNTIL she mentions that she has to film for Bravo at night, and that when she had a dinner party on RHOBH, she had to have her staff come at 9:30 in the morning to do all the work and they didn’t leave till like midnight!

kyle richards annoying

oh kyle, you magnificent try-hard.  you just can’t help yourself, can you? image source: giphy.com

Another “relatable” story is about how Kyle loved to play store with Kim and Little Kathy (her sister) growing up.  Of course, they played by grabbing all of Big Kathy’s Baccarat and Lalique crystall for their store merch.  Ha! Ha!

stanley office

stanley ain’t got time for that. image source: giphy.com

I mostly was just excited to write this post so I could post this photo:

bethenny kim kyle.jpg

I am super curious as to what Bethenny thinks about Kim Richards, the messier, less funny but just as effed up Sonja Morgan of the West Coast.

Next up, we get to hear all of the “secrets” about Kyle’s “wonderful” relationship with her sisters. L to the O to the L.

kyle wait what

it’s your book, sweetheart! image source: giphy.com

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3 thoughts on “Life is Not a Reality Show: Part Two

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