Can I just say that even though Snooki, I mean Nicole, has definitely done a great job of reinventing herself and getting into great shape and everything, it is still infinitely odd to be reading a book by freaking Snooki about health and fitness?
And while I do love her, God DAMN are there a lot of typos and completely incorrect facts in Strong is the New Sexy. “Cosy” for cozy, “its” for it is SEVERAL times, and my favorite fact so far- according to Snooki, all beer is just “liquid bread” and even light beer has the carb equivalent as half a bagel, so DON’T EVER drink beer. Even in your glittery initial emblazoned solo cop. Not if you want to look hot as fuck when you go out on the sho-ah.
Snooki also discusses the haterade she gets from trolls online. This is the shit that I don’t think is worth minor celebrity of any kind, regardless of your paycheck. Unless you are like Anjelina Jolie-level famous, you basically have to use social media to promote yourself and it’s (“its,” according to Snooki’s copy editor) a great source of income for reality types. But that world is basically a cesspool of trolls and horrible people writing terrible shit about you and your family (you know, like I do!) and when it’s on your own page, it’s pretty tough to avoid. That’s why I keep the snark on my own goddamn website, thank you very much.
Unless people make fun of her children, Snooki says it’s best to not feed the trolls, which is true. Her children are her priority and Snooki doesn’t even have a nanny, because homie don’t play that. Even with the crazy drunken promiscuity of her youth, Snooki seriously seems to be a pretty traditional woman. Who would’ve guessed?
Even at the expense of having to read horrible things about herself (like ‘go kill yourself, you demonic troll form hell’, which isn’t even creative), Snooki has definitely managed to rake in some bucks. She says she still has most of the money she made from the show as she hasn’t wasted it on super fancy cars or any shit like that. That is actually impressive, especially when you consider what happened to some of her former cast mates. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who famously bought Bentleys and other dumb shit with his Jersey Shore moolah, owes millions and million in back taxes and tmz reported in 2014 that he was selling his car tires on eBay he was so fucking broke.
Snooki and Jionni lived with his parents for two years and she lived with her parents in between filming seasons of Jersey Shore, so they could build their dream house without their finances getting into a bad situation (lolololollllll dumb). Snooki wanted a bigass closet, fancy master bath, and “a wine cellar. For wine.”
Nicole says she is very happy she waited to build and decorate her house, as back in her single Snooki days, she would’ve ended up with a hot tub and stripper pole in her leopard-print living room. God, I would love to have seen this. Someone over at HGTV should give Snooki her own design show IMMEDIATELY. OMG I would watch the shit out of that. It could be called Snookin for Home and Snooki could help couples find their dream home and then give it a Jersey Shore make-over. Omg can you even imagine how great that would be?? A duck phone for everyone!
Snooki had an actually impressive run on Dancing with the Stars, which she claims the training made her lose all of her muscle, since it was all cardio. But now she can “wow at weddings” with her dancing so it was all worth it. I feel like Snooki should be invited to every wedding ever. I mean, wouldn’t that be worth it just to see your grandparents witnessing her behavior?
You guys… I’m scared… the next section of the book is about sex and the first line is about how Snooks lost her v-card at 13… I’m going to need a brain break before that mess.