Strong is the New Sexy: Part Three

missed part one or part two?  check them out!

So where were we?  Ah yes, I was about to drown myself as to not have to read about 13 year old Snooki losing her v-card.

snooki 1

NO THANK YOU. image source: makeagif.com

 

Basically, the event happened exactly like you would imagine.  Snooki and her friend, whom she calls “Bernard,” tried to use Saran Wrap as a condom. Hey, sex education at its finest folks!  Jesus Christ.  Anyway, so Snooks didn’t have the greatest first experience but managed to “get the hang of it” by the time she graced the screen on Jersey Shore.

2

bring on the juicehead gorillas and Glad Wrap Press n Seal! image source: giphy.com

BUT, hold the phone there, slut shamers.  Snooki claims to have slept with “less than 10” guidos, even though she isn’t totally sure about the number, as some nights were a lil fuzzy (o rilly).  She says that most of her hook-ups on Jersey Shore didn’t end in p in v penetration (she thinks), but were mostly just sloppy, hazy make-out sessions.  Whether or not you believe that is your business, but Snooki wants you to know that sex is best with her midge love of her life, Jionni, even though they NEVER EVER have sex since they had children.  Snooki was pregnant for two summers in a row, so she wants to show off her bikini body to her husband this year, even though they will both be too tired to be DTF.  Jionni is excited because Snooki wants to have at least two more children, so he knows they get to do it at least two more times.

3

this guidette has everything! tans, jaeger bombs, rainbow brite hair, and a stuffed animal named crocadilly she takes everywhere! image source: giphy.com

However, Snooki says that married couples do need to have sex at least once or twice a year to “keep the love alive.”  One of her more “creative” suggestions to get hot for your husband is to watch The Lion King.  No, really.  Just when I thought Snooki really had changed, she goes and does something like this…

4

seriously though, this was the shit I bought this book for. image source: sharagif.com

Now that we have felt the love tonight, Snooki delves deep into her other passions.  Namely “ghosties” and other phenomena.  She talks about a trip she, Jionni, J Woww and her Guido husband (? fiancé? who cares), Roger, went on to an old haunted asylum.  The trip really affected Snooki alone, who felt a lot of ghosts present, but the others mostly goofed off and Roger farted a lot.  God, he is awful.

5

nothing like a giant toddler-man covered in crystal encrusted skull t-shirts.  image source: giphy.com

Mostly, Snooki wants your take-away from this book to be “she has changed.”  And I get it- I would certainly not want to be judged by my behavior at 21 years old.  I can’t imagine if that shit was blasted all over the world and people decided that I, not Donald Trump, was the epitome of what is wrong with America.  But Snooki also wants to remind you that she was just a drunken little cheeto disaster, not a meth addict, to which I say, touché.  However, being on the show brought Jionni and JWow (2 w’s? who cares) into her life, so it was all worth it in the end.

6

dude… look at JWow’s boobs!  Jesus.  image source: wifflegif.com

Next, Snooki talks about how she has visions or some shit I don’t care about at all.  Then she has a big plug for her podcast (which, I probably will give a listen to, sadly) and her Etsy store for her crafts (where she was made fun of because she made coffee mugs that said “your the snooki to my j wow”) and her future plans to ask George Clooney how much he masturbates (on a talk show, natch).  Honestly, I am very excited to see that.  And I am so fucking confused by this book.  I guess after reading so many “how I got in shape” books from formerly “chubby” (only by Hollywood standards) celebs, I guess I thought that this would be more of a “how-to” book, rather than a collection of Snooki’s thoughts and feelings.

7

snooki says that when you assume, you’re (your) an asshole.  image source: giphy.com

So what did we learn through this amazing journey?  We learned that:

  1. Snooki is no longer a drunken meatball, no matter how much you want her to be
  2. One day, Snooki will be the new Oprah and we will all be dead
  3. Saran wrap is not an effective form of birth control
  4. Chris Christie is an asshole
8

at least I got into good shape, jerkoff.  image source: giphy.com

Stay tuned, as next week’s theme is BOOZE, sweet BOOZE!

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