I Suck at Relationships: Part Three

missed parts one and two?  check ’em out!

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pretty please? image source: tamaratattles.com

Like the third installment of a reunion from RHONY, we are almost to the end, y’all.  When we left off, Bethenny was telling us to get a life and be a well-rounded person, but on for yo’ mans.  Next, she goes through relationship milestones and how to measure where you stand with your guy.  Which, again, is one part makes sense to two parts crazy.  Which, essentially, is a skinnygirlfriend recipe.

I don’t really love the idea of going through your relationship focusing so much on where you “should” be vs. where you actually are if you are both happy.  It puts too much pressure on something that you should be enjoying and if you start questioning why you haven’t discussed moving in together after six months of dating, as Bethenny suggests, you’re only going to make you both unhappy.  That’s not good for anyone.

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WHY HAVEN’T I MET YOUR MOM YET?! image source: theodysseyonline.com

Once again, Bethenny then says that you should continuously be thinking about why you are in a relationship with this person and evaluating your happiness.  Which actually is good advice!  If you just cruise along without paying attention because you are just so happy to be with someone, years can pass in the blink of an eye before you realize how much time you have wasted on the wrong person.  Bethenny says this is especially important if you are over 30 and plan to have kids.  Oh yay, more age pressure and biological clock shaming!

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more things to be super anxious about, huzzah! image source: imgur.com

One other thing you should always be worried about?  Money.  And how wealth changes the power dynamic of your relationship.

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make it raaaaain! image source: moviefone.com

Bethenny is OBSESSED with this topic, and I don’t really blame her.  Obviously, she is a self-made women who grew up in a very chaotic household.  She made a shitton of money with her Skinnygirl brand and has been involved in a very contentious divorce that seems like it has been going on for the last 47 years.  I don’t blame her at all for focusing so much on money when her success clearly caused a lot of tension in her marriage.  HOWEVER she focuses SO much on when a woman earns more than a man and how NO ONE WITH A PENIS can ever ever ever handle that.

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it’s just not FAIR!  image source: popxo.com

I feel like this section is just not as relatable as the rest of the book?  Maybe it’s more geared toward Bethenny’s fellow real housewives, such as Vicki Gunvalson or my love Phaedra Parks.

Up next, SEXY TIMES!  Oo la la!

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they’re fleece and from old navy! image source: hercampus.com

Once again, Bethenny talks all about POWER. Oh, and the game.  And how to WIN the game to get the POWER.  I’m seriously so tired of listening to all of this.  THIS right here is why so many women get overwhelmed when navigating the early stages of dating.  Essentially, Bethenny says to immediately GTFO after having sex and be SURE to pull away especially if you feel you have slept together too soon.  Because sex is not about enjoying yourself or about expressing love to another person.  It is about WINNING and BEING IN CHARGE and God am I glad I am not a man who has ever slept with Ms. Frankel.

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do not collect $200. go directly to Bravo jail. where you will share a cell with joe giudice. image source: metro.co.uk

After some very obvious advice about dating with kids (don’t introduce your kids to a partner until it’s serious! GROUNDBREAKING), Bethenny delves into self-love.  That’s right, BFrank loves her some good ol fashioned masterbatin’. You just know skinnygirl dildos are on their way, as Bethenny helpfully mentions that orgasms burn calories. #themoreyouknow #sexisthenewskinny #nofatvaginas

Next, Bethenny talks about relationship strategies and how to keep the peace between you and your partner.  Again, it’s good advice wrapped in a power struggle manifesto.  She is SO obsessed with being in charge and it just continuously pulls you out of listening and nodding along to her first, rational sounding tips. By the way, Bethenny’s little suggestions are called “just the tip.”

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a lil too tryhard for my taste. image source: reactiongifs.com

One thing Bethenny is very adamant about is presenting your true self to your partner.  Maybe not immediately, but if you have twelve cats that are your babies, and your new guys is not an animal lover, you might need to bring that up before you get engaged.

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#truth. image source: giphy.com

Bethenny mentions that she is not an easy going or low maintenance person (WHAT!?? SHE’S NOT!??!?!) and she thinks it’s important to present that to the guys she dates up front. I’m pretty sure that even my grandma knows how tightly wound dis bish is, but I guess it’s good she doesn’t try to be something she’s not?

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good for you, sweetie! image source: ballroomchic.com

For the last part, Bethenny brings out all of her favorites- PMS, winning fights, using sex as a power move, etc.  She mentions that only you and your partner can really know what goes on in your relationship and that you have to do what feels right for you, and not make decisions about your future by committee (your friends, family, etc).  There’s more, but it’s basically a re-hash of everything we’ve already discussed.

Bottom line?  I don’t know, it’s not a book filled with terrible advice, some of it is actually legit.  I would much rather recommend this book than Melissa Gorga’s My Husband is YOUR Boss Too bullshit.  I still can’t decide if I like Bethanny or not, but at the end of the day, she does not give one eff what I think, so… whatever.

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touché, BFrank. image source: perezhilton.com

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