Drinking & Dating: Part One

brandi 1

it’s not a walk of shame, it’s a victory lap.- Sonja morgan, RHONY. image source bravotv.com

Oh Brandi.  Where do we even begin?  Back when The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wasn’t the most boring city in the Bravo stable (and yes, I am even including Dallas in that superlative- even if all of those women are THE WORST, that one black haired nut is a former carney, so we all win), Brandi was a breath of fresh air, with her supermodel looks and vicious mouth.  Her close relationship with Lisa Vanderpump had a sort of Jill Zarin-Bethenny Frankel: West Coast vibe and I dug it.  Even Lisa’s melting Rod Stewert doll husband Ken seemed to genuinely care about Brandi.  Plus, she said WHATEVER she wanted and DID NOT GIVE ONE EFF. (Speaking of not giving a fuck, can we talk about everyone’s favorite new RHOBH Erika Jayne’s new music video?  It is STRAIGHT BANANAS and I LUFF IT SO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAdJzkUzV8k (maybe don’t watch it at work folks)

brandi 2

don’t worry Kimmy, we will be weird besties in just a few years! image source: thehollywoodgossip.com

AND THEN, as it seems to always happen in this franchise, Brandi became much less likeable.  As I have talked about before, I tried to still root for her, but MAN.  She made it tough. It’s one think to be frothy and quippy with Lisa’s crazy swan-filled villa as your backdrop.  It’s quite another to just be CONSTANTLY screaming horrible things at everyone and having epitome of why children should not be stars Kim Richards as your only friend.

brandi 3

charming! image source: perezhilton.com

I was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked Brandi’s podcast, so I decided to give her another chance.  Like so many housewives before me, I decided to forgive but not forget and see what Brandi had to say.  If this were an episode of RHOBH, we would meet at Sur or Villa Rosa, dressed better than I have been since my wedding day and totter about in five inch heels, glugging rose but not eating even one heart of palm on our plates.  Then we would awkwardly hug, stumble back to our Uber black cars and proceed to talk SO much shit about each other in our testimonials.

You know, like real friends do!

brandi 4

bffffffffffffffffffffffff and eva. image source: tumblr.com

Plus, Brandi’s weird-sounding Famously Single show is debuting shortly on VH1 and I know we are going to hear SO much about it for the next few weeks, even though I don’t know one single person who will watch that mess.  I prefer my VH1 programming to feature Flavor Flav or Tila Tequila, thankyouverymuch.

brandi 5

now this? I will watch one hundred seasons of this. wack-ass. image source: breatheavy.com

Brandi’s book opens with her explaining, once again, that she was one cheated on by a man named Eddie Cibrian with LeAnn Rimes.  O rilly, Brandi?  Rilly?  I had NO idea!  One thing becomes evident right away that makes me nervous— this book is FULL of hashtags, and as I am listening to the Audiobook (read by Ms. Glanville herself, thank God), I am going to have to hear a white lady in her forties say the word HASHTAG over and over and over again.

brandi 6

#nothanks #barf #itsbritneybitch image source: gifrific.com

Brandi really does manage to straddle the line between being refreshingly honest and her own person (there are parts of this book that are genuinely funny and I do believe she wrote [most] of it herself) and also NEVER EVER NOT TALKING ABOUT EDDIE AND LEANN.  I have rolled my eyes so much I am afraid I am going to evict a contact in my annoyance.

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I feel like Michael Scott would’ve been VERY into hashtags.  image source: giphy.com

I feel like although I get that Brandi had two kids with Eddie and was absolutely blindsided by what happened when he left her for LeAnn, someone really needs to tell her that she is not Jennifer Aniston and Eddie & LeAnn (do these two dumdums have a couple name? Hold, please.  Okay, back from my most embarrassing google search to date.  It appears that Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes do not have a couple name, so I will have to give them one.  Henceforth, I will refer to them as Leddie) are not Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  That Brandi is not Debbie Reynolds and Leddie are not Eddie Fisher and Elizabeth Taylor.  That story line has been played out, Brando (typo and it stays)- unless you are talking to someone that works at OK! Magazine, I can promise you that people are done hearing about your divorce.

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#bitterorbetter #ithinkweallagreethatleddieistheworst image source: giphy.com

So while Brandi does have some random tips for the newly single slash looking for love types (like go to Home Depot with your bra hanging out), it is easy to get quickly fatigued of the Leddie stuff.  I’ll be back with Part Two, which hopefully will deliver on the early promise of the book- Brandi has LOTS of sexcapades with movie stars, Hollywood types and professional athletes.  I just hope we eventually get to hear about them.

brandi 9

YES just no more Leddie stories! image source: giphy.com

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