Drinking & Dating: Part Two

missed part one? check it out here

brando 1

especially while dating! #roseallday image source: buzzfeed.com

SO Brandi is now like totes over her divorce (did you know she got divorced? me either!) and is ready to put herself back out there!  I am just so happy that we aren’t talking about Eddie and LeAnn (Leddie) anymore that I find her first story actually hilarious.

brando 2

i know, i know. DON’T tell anyone! image source: gifrific.com

Brandi meets a charming silver fox type at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills.  Doesn’t that sound like the story of a charming 80s movie that is ALWAYS on Lifetime and you have watched it approximately 1000 times when you are hungover slash sick slash both?  Anyway, Brandi’s friend immediately googles the guy and it turns out he’s some sort of West Coast budget Bernie Madoff-type who served time in prison.  He also had been charged with assaulting his ex-girlfriend  (the mother of his young daughter- charming!) and had a nasty coke habit.  However, these bits of info didn’t scare Brandi off, because she is brilliant and apparently could envision herself as some sort of Ruth Madoff meets Malibu Barbie lady of the manor.  And he had a private jet! #loveatfirstflight (no really, she actually uses that hashtag).

brando 3

and it’s all MINE! image source: giphy.com

So Brandi decides to hear out ol West Coast Bernie Madoff (WCBM) after he explains away all of this prior issues and goes on a couple of dates with him.  The first one goes fine, but the second one not so much.  WCB seemed to be coked out of his gourd and was acting like a loony tune.  He ran around the restaurant where they were dining “networking” by sweatily hoisting his business cards on anyone that would take one and calling Brandi “baby” over and over and over.  Which, gross.

brando 4

no thank you. image source: wifflegif.com

But the real deal breaker came when WCBM wouldn’t stop blathering on about some “epic” party that they HAD to go to.  Brandi was skeptical and wary of going to a second location with WCBM, when he dropped this titillating bombshell:

“We HAVE to go- it’s at Brendan Fraiser’s condo!

brando 5

even he knows that shit is funny. image source: gifsoup.com

Brandi ditches WCBM, even with that super enticing invitation.  PS how the EFF is Brendan Fraiser living in a goddamn condo?!  Didn’t he make like seven Mummy movies?  Does he have a secret drug problem or something?

Next, Brandi regales us with more tales that are unfortunately way less entertaining.  She mentions sleeping with some celebrities, but can’t name names, and I really don’t care enough to guess, so it’s sort of a snooze. But Brendan Fraiser’s condo!  I can’t get over it.

brando 6

sorry Brendan. fingers crossed for Encino man 2? image source: amazingbrendanfrasier.tumblr.com

There is the wee comedian who is clearly making up for not being cool in high school by getting with tons of hot girls now that he is famous.  Brandi hated being so much taller than him.  There is the dashing African American rapper/actor/aspiring politician who smokes WAY too much weed for Brandi’s taste. They are still in contact but no longer dating.  There is the NBA guy that is clearly Kris Humphries’ best friend (he of former Mr. Kim Kardashian for 72 days fame) who is WAY too excited about his connection to the Kardashian Klan.

brando 7

I mean.. get it girl, I guess? image source: cuddlebuggery.com

The issue is that the not naming names thing is SO BORING.  She barely gives enough details about the celebs (handsome rapper, douche-y athlete, dreamy movie star) for the reader to venture a guess.  So I had to consult my BFF, google.  According to my extensive research (and really reliable sources, like radar.com), I found that Brandi has allegedly dated Ben Stiller (???? he must’ve been the short comedian with insecurities), Gerard Butler (supposedly sober movie star that fell far off the wagon?), and TWO of the three male stars of Friends: Matt LeBlanc and David Schwimmer.  This is still basically all a shoulder shrugger for me at this point.

I kind of miss hearing about Eddie and LeAnn?  Or maybe some Real Housewives gossip?  Like Lisa Vanderpump before me,

brando 8

where’s Jax when you need him? image source: buzzfeed.com

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.  If this book doesn’t get more interesting, I am going to start making shit up and throwing my pity party at BRENDAN FRASIER’S CONDO.

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