all of this is my fault! and ray j’s! and prolly paris hilton’s. image source: giphy.com

YOU GUYS.  I have to admit something… I am kind of cheating here.  Kardashian Dynasty was not texted in emojis by Kylie.  Or slurred in a bender mess from Lord Disick.  In fact, this book wasn’t written by a Kardashian at all.  For the first time in Coral and Slate history, I am reviewing a book about a reality star that isn’t actually by them (and by that, I mean that it wasn’t written by a ghost writer with the star’s name on it/permission).

just try to breathe. image source: popsugar.com

I KNOW.  I know.  I was debating between this and Kardashian Konfidential, which was “written” by Kim, Kourtney and Khloe a few years ago, but I figured this one would be SO much more interesting.  Especially as it is up to date, and includes Caitlyn and all of the recent Kardashian dramz.  Honestly, I just couldn’t hear about how they are so different and Khloe likes purple nail polish whereas Kim likes pink lolololll omg!  We can revisit Kardashian Konfidential at a later date and compare/contrast it with this book.  Preferably after I’ve had a brain injury that will help me immediately forget that I read a book with “konfidential” in the title.

sorry kimmy.  i have a feeling ian halperin might be a lil more truthful about your butt/sex tape/divorces/oj. image source: giphy.com

The book opens with discussing Robert Kardashian’s very privileged upbringing.  Robert’s family made a fortune with a garbage collection company (which, lol, Kartrashian amiright) and he grew up in a tony suburb of Los Angeles.  His grandparents emigrated from Turkey before the Armenian genocide and set up a new life in California.  He met Kris Houghton (aka momager extraordinaire Kris Jenner) when she was just 19 and he was 30.  Kris was engaged at the time to a professional golfer who was twelve years older… I guess the whole Kris being cool with Kylie dating Tyga thing makes more sense now?

listen to your mother, kylie. no wait…. maybe don’t. image source: tumblr.com

So anyway, Bobby K and Kris (her real name is Kristen, isn’t that so weird for some reason) go back and forth, with Robert even dating Priscilla Presley for awhile (this family, I swear to God, is somehow intertwined with every famous person EVER) before they finally decide to get married.  Robert had become a born again Christian (this has early shades of Pastor Brad all over it and I DO NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT ) and the couple stopping living/sleeping together until they got married.  During this time, Kris helped Robert’s BFF OJ Simpson facilitate his affair with Nicole Brown.  After the wedding, Kris immediately got pregnant with Kourtney and the Kardashian train was out of the station.  Sorry America.  And the rest of the world.

Kristin Wiig as Kris Jenner is my spirit animal. image source: dlisted.com

For awhile, things were all hunky dory in the Kardashian house.  Kris gave birth to Kim, Khloe and finally the much-wanted son, Robert and the couple spent time with OJ and Nicole, who were now married with children themselves.  My favorite part of this so far is HOW FUCKING MUCH the author haaaaaaaaaaaaaaates Kris Jenner.  Every sentence is so condescending and he is obiv sooooo #teamrobert and it’s hilarious.  Kris Kardashian does not ask for things.  She DEMANDS things.  The shade is unreal.

you can basically hear ian halperin throwing up all over himself. image source: giphy.com

And Kris is bored af, y’all.  She may have everything she always wanted, but her marriage isn’t spicy anymore and being a housewife is not fulfilling.  So she decides to get a side piece.  Kris starts up with a man named Todd Waterman, a 23 year old professional soccer player.  I love how 80s all of this is.  I would’ve watched the fuck out of this reality show.  It’s like Armenian Dynasty.  Kris and Todd have a torrid affair and Robert finds out and is PISSED.  He even has OJ call Todd and threaten him, which is a bit rich as OJ spent approximately 95% of his life sleeping with women who were not his wife.

lol I murdered two people! image source: giphy.com

Kris is not discrete about her affair either.  Oh no.  She flaunts her boy toy all over town and Robert can’t deal with it, so he decides to finally get a divorce.  Rude-ass gold digger Kris (the author’s implication, not mine) asks for a redonkulous amount of child support and alimony after Robert cuts off her credit cards (even at Saks!  Gasp!).

Kris wishes she were as badass as Phyllis Nefler. image source: giphy.com

Robert Kardashian’s wife when he passed away released his alleged journals during this tumultuous period.  In them, Robert claims that Kris is abusive to the children and doesn’t care about them at all.  I don’t honestly believe that, mostly because I am pretty sure that even back then, Kris knew her little meal tickets were going to be her road to fame.

and after that, kardashian kaskets! image source: giphy.com

YOU GUYS we have barely even scratched the surface here.  There is so much more to go through, this thing might end up being like six parts.  Like Kim and Caitlyn Take Part Four to Pittsburgh just to mix shit up.  Up next, what’s Kris to do as a single woman?  And we are inching ever closer to the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson.  Stay tuned…

kan’t wait! image source: giphy.com