missed part one? check it out here!

So where were we?  Ah yes, Holly is desperate to prove everyone (literally, every being on the planet) that she can make it on her own without Hef!  And that someday, someone will be able to love her for who she is, not what she can do for them (and they can look past the fact that she basically was a part of a harem for several years).  AND DON’T YOU TRY TO SAY OTHERWISE!

like john locke before her, holly will also miraculously overcome paralysis- romantic & professional paralysis! image source: supjdlv.com

After  her back-to-back break-ups from Hef and Criss Angel, Holly assumed that the public would think she was a ho fo sho if she started dating again immediately.  (Like most lower-tier celebs and reality people, methinks Holly assumes that people think about her more than they do). So she does what any normal person would do, and decides to have an omg HUGE crush on her Peep Show co-star.  Who is gay.  And Holly knows he is gay.

oh sweetie… no. gay men are not your props. image source: popsugar.com

I think Holly thinks this makes her sound totes adorbs and all, but it makes no sense (she literally gets upset when he doesn’t text her and looking at heterosexual couples makes her wish he were around).  Lucky for us, Kurt (her “crush” barf) decides to go back to New York to try to make it on Broadway and Holly can get back to getting fucked over by notorious Vegas douchebags and C-list celebs.  Huzzah!

I said AGGRESSIVE not STUPID, KENDRA. image source: tumblr.com

Next up, Holly throws some shaaaaaaaaade at former famous flings she had.  Using pseudonyms, of course.  (My favorite being “Eric J. Parkington” as a powerful Vegas mogul. Parkington! Plus the middle initial!  I die lolllllllllllllll forever).

Holly tells a sort of believable story about meeting a “very famous Boy Band member” when she first came to Los Angeles and was working at Hooters.  Of course, Holly had no idea who he was and was curious as to why all of the other girls were freaking out over him.  She never directly says who it was, but my guess is Nick Carter based on the fact that he was obsessed with fighting with “the other band,” which, lol.  The early aughts were a very scary time, what with Backstreet Boys feuding with N*Sync and 98 Degrees beefing with… was there are fourth boy band?  Anyway, can’t you just see Nick Carter being OBSESSED with Justin Timberlake?

I’m coming for YOU, Joey Fatone! (he was in N*Sync, right? too lazy to google) image source: giphy.com

Anyway, they go on some dates and he is kind of a douche, but basically just acts EXAXCTLY how you would’ve expected 2003 Nick Carter to behave.  Now in her post-Playboy Vegas life, Holly goes on a couple of casual dates with a “handsome comedian” who was huge at the time.  She calls him “Doug,” but it’s got to be Dane Cook, right?    Anyway, SPOILER ALERT he was also horrible.  He even sprayed Holly with champagne and got mad when she didn’t like it!

god DOUG you are the worst. image source: tumblr.com

After “Doug,” Holly next has a full relationship with a music-video director she calls “Jeffery Decker.”  This part is pretty boring and surprise, surprise, he treats her poorly also.  Holly also has a casual relationship with Good Charlotte member Benji Madden (now Mr. Cameron Diaz, isn’t that so effing weird), but refuses to film it for her reality show, Holly’s World.  Do any of you remember this show?  I vaguely remember her having one, but I don’t think I ever watched an episode.  Anyway, the mean producers want her to put her relationship with Benji on the show, and Holly is SO OFFENDED.  Like yew guise, is she not enough?

HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO PUT MY LIFE ON MY REALITY SHOW. HOW DARE YOU. image source: glee.wikia.com

I’m not sure where the disconnect is with Holly… she seems alternately very self-aware (saying she is not a professional dancer, can’t sing, etc) and completely oblivious to why her “sordid past” with Hef keeps coming up.  She herself brings up her time at the mansion constantly, always to remind us how used and mistreated she was as Hef’s main gal.  I is confused.

Holly’s next beau is a very nice (SEEMING, as ALL MEN ARE THE WORST) Broadway performer named Mark.  Mark is kind, funny and loving, which are all the things Holly is looking for in a man.  However, I am sure that there is something terribly wrong with him if Holly’s track record is to be believed.  Stay tuned…

like over 80 and a pop culture icon. image source: giphy.com