Let Me Tell You Something: Part Two

missed Part One?  Check it out here

Where were we?  Ah yes, about to jump into the wonderful world of parenting, Manzo style.

chris manzo

relax, christaphah, yoah like 30 yeaahs old. image source: giphy.com

So, honestly, the Manzo children do actually seem to have been raised well.  Of all the real housewives, Caroline seems like she would be one of the best mothers.  Her three kids all seem to be happy and being on tv doesn’t seem to have made them narcissistic blowhards, which so many kids from this franchise seem to end up becoming.  Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley, oh I’m sorry AshleE, was THE WORST.  I could barely watch her scenes.  And, of course, she had the most obvious reality show transformation.

From this:

ashlee

“ohhhhhMYGaaaaawwwwddddddddddddd” – AshleE Holmes image source: bravotv.com

To this:

ashleystarcasm

“Hiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”- AshleE Holmes image source: allthingsrh.com

Blonde hair extensions: check.  Dark spray tan: check.  Ridiculous trout pout: check.  Probable chin/nose job: check.  I mean, if looking like a half-melted Heidi Pratt (nee Montag) blow-up doll was the look she was going for, then huzzah!!!

Anyway.  Caroline is AshleE’s aunt and you can tell she thought this girl was straight garbage.  She mentions her briefly during this section of her book, but never actually says anything negative about her or Jacqueline, just that Caroline imagines that parenting during a divorce is probably tough work.  The problem with Caroline is that she is too fucking normal.  How the hell did she ever end up a housewife?

leo

say something horrible soon or I am going to have to turn to Melissa Gorga to fuel my outrage so I can finish this damn review! image source: giphy.com

So Caroline’s little meatballs are all set, but sometimes when she talks about them, you would think they were still little kids.  I know not cutting the apron strings until well into adulthood is an Italian sterotype, but Caroline seems to live up to it.  But whatevs, I still bet that Caroline’s children are just so happy they didn’t have be raised by these morons:

tre n joe

we has four childrenesess! image source: hollywoodreporter.net

Or these:

dish-121615-joe-melissa

I’m a 40 year old “pop star!” image source: bravotv.com

Actually, when you really think about it, who are the other good Real Housewives parents?  Phaedra Parks’ two little boys are about the cutest (and most well-behaved) things you’ve ever seen, but the whole their dad is in prison dealie kinda ruins that.  Donn without Vickie?  Heather Dubrow?

So next, we talk about love.  Caroline loves her husband Al a real whole lot.  The end.

aubrey

seriously. aren’t we in fucking Jersey? if no one flips a table soon, I’m out. image source: giphy.com

One thing that was kind of weird in the love section was when Caroline talks about cheating on your spouse.  She makes it very clear that she has never and would never cheat on Al.  BUT she says she doesn’t know if he has and she isn’t interested in asking.

whaaaat.gif

I am confused af. image source: blueprintlsat.com

I was so pleasantly surprised at how non-traditional Caroline seems to be throughout this whole book.  Her whole attitude seems to be “this is what I do, do what you want, who cares, Albie, lasagna.”  I was legit surprised that she would be so casual about something so serious, especially when even Melissa fucking Gorga said she would divorce Joe if he cheated on her.  I thought she would be more the you touch my husband, I’ll burn down your house type.

sweet dee

with mozzarella and prosciutto.  image source: buzzfeed.com

Oh. https://famewhorgas.wordpress.com/2013/08/16/exclusive-insider-says-al-manzo-is-cheating-on-caroline-with-long-time-girlfriend/

Moving right along.

We talk about eating right, exercise, plastic surgery (Caroline had a tummy tuck, no plans for anything else) and Lauren discusses her weight struggles that she had on the show.  This is lovely and all, but when are we going to talk about Danielle Staub?

danie whore

honey, you do know that escort means the same thing, right? image source: allabouttruth.com

HOWEVER, our gal Dannie just announced that she is going to write her own book and I CANNOT WAIT.  I mean, I am sure that no one will ever publish it, so I like to imagine that she has a stack of legal pads and a five-color pen that she sits in her condo and hand writes out the ways that people have wronged her, using red for Caroline, green for Dina, purple for Andy Cohen, orange for Teresa and black for Jacqueline.  She slowly sips white zin in large plastic tumblers, glaring at the issues of US Weekly from 2009 she still has on her coffee table.  Now, I am just going to have to convince her to send this to me when she is done.

cartoon

one can dream! image source: tumblr.com

So, guess what Caroline hates most of awl?  Nope, not Joe Giudice!  Lying.  She don’t stand for it.

bullshit

And also, probably Joe Giudice. image source: tumblr.com

And she prides herself on being an honest person.  Caroline says she knows how lucky she is to be on the show, as she is not talented, extraordinarily gorgeous or atypical.  Which, self awareness?!?!??!  WHAAAAAT??

spit

get right outta town with your logic! image source: wearefine.com

So, overall, CMan’s book wasn’t too shabby!  Or perhaps I’ve just lost my damn mind after spending so much time on the Ramona Coaster.  Up next, we will be cooking Caroline!  Abudanza!

squints

i know sweetie, i’m as confused as you are by the quality of your book. image source: ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com

One thought on “Let Me Tell You Something: Part Two

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