missed part one? check it out!

don’t I look SO HAPPY? image source: giphy.com

Holly, now saved from a life of living on the streets, moved into the Playboy mansion.  Upon her arrival, she was surprised that none of the other girls helped her move in or took her aside to give her an orientation about living there.  I don’t know the etiquette for living in an alternate universe naked lady sorority house that is ruled by an elderly dictator in a silk robe, but Holly had just complained about how all of these girls “tricked her” into sleeping with Hef, so I don’t know why she was surprised.

But even with zero help, Holly eventually got the lay of the land and learned about all the weird rules and schedules at the mansion.  She and the other girlfriends were required to attend “club nights” on Wednesdays and Saturdays, which were also the two nights they got to stay out later than the notorious 9pm curfew.  Of course, this didn’t stop the other girlfriends from having side boyfriends (including one who was allegedly dating Kid Rock, which is so so perfect), but Holly was too scared of being kicked out of the mansion to ever break any of the rules.  This behavior initially led the other girls to like her, as it allowed them to get away with more, but as time went on, Hef began to compare the other six girlfriends’ wild behavior to Holly’s meek obedience and they REALLY began to hate her.

get with the program, HOLLY! image source: playbuzz.com

After all of the other girlfriends turned on her, Holly began to turn to Hef for approval even more and decided to ally herself with him.  Her writing in this section is so funny.  She clearly (or, ahem, her “co-writer”) had a thesaurus handy, because none of the girls “talk” to Holly Madison.  They hiss, sneer, spit and growl at her, but no one ever just speaks to her.  Look, I don’t doubt that living among a bunch of brainless competitive Anna Nicole Smiths wasn’t horrible, but I find it kind of hard to believe that Holly was just sitting meekly next to Hef while they tortured her so mercilessly.  Either way, it sounds effing horrific, and I know it is SO easy for me to sit here and say it, but if things were so bad, why did she stay?!

do you know about viet nam, holly? image source: buzzfeed.com

Holly says that later, she figured out that it was Hef that actually drove the wedge between all of the women, because it wasn’t good for him if the girlfriends banded together.  Which makes sense, kinda, but Holly also makes it sound like almost all of the other girlfriends liked each other?  I giggled thinking of Hef as a maniacal social manipulator, rubbing his oldass hands together in delight as two Paris Hilton fembots ripped each other’s hair extensions out, but maybe it was true to a degree.

we hate each other! thanks, hef. image source: giphy.com

After Hef’s main girlfriend at the time, Tina Jordan, left, Hef promoted Holly to the role.  She said he did it unceremoniously, without a piece of jewelry or anything (which, hi, I have never really heard of this as a tradition?  Like, congrats, you’re my main squeeze, here’s a toe ring to commemorate this?).  Anyway, he is still a dick to her most of the time, and the other girls are even more vicious than before.  Holly also discloses that each girl received $1,000/week for a clothing allowance, free use of the Jose Eber salon in Beverly Hills, and a leased car of her choice for as long as she stayed at the mansion.  However, it was nearly impossible to stash any money away as they were always pressured to look perfect at events and nights out.  I don’t get it though…. $52,000 a year tax-free, plus extra money for Playboy parties and big events, plus free food/housing, gym, tanning and a car and you couldn’t save “very much?”

poor holly, such a jan. image source: giphy.com

Apparently not, though, because remember that old hooker Vicki and how she turned on Holly?  WELLLLLLL, apparently she was an ACTUAL hooker who recruited girls to join her in the escort business.  She even approached Holly about it once, but Holly’s obvious disgust ENRAGED Vicki and she promptly kicked Holly out of her room.  Later, Holly learned that Hef and Playboy were aware of this, ahem, “issue” and tried to solve the problem by requiring that all Playmates who were eligible to be named “Playmate of the Year” show their passport before the contest.  Any girl who had a stamp from Turkey in the previous twelve months would be immediately eliminated as that meant she had been most likely flown overseas to engage in the lucrative escorting ring.  Apparently, foreign men, especially those in Brunei and other exotic locales, found bedding Playmates to be very worth the high price tag and the girls were happy to exchange themselves for large paychecks.  Holly, of course, never did any of this.

hook overseas? I would never.  USA!  USA!  image source: giphy.com

One bright spot amongst all of this hideous darkness was Holly’s new BFF, Bridget Marquart, who had become a new girlfriend.  Holly loved the bubbly bright girl and they quickly formed their own girl squad against the horrid mean girls.  However, not even Bridget could protect Holly from Hef’s wrath, from him screaming at her for wearing red lipstick (a big mansion no-no) to him reprimanding her for trying to help him in an interview.  He also told her she didn’t photograph well enough to be a Playmate.  Poor Holly.  Will things EVER improve?  Will the mean girls EVER leave the mansion?

#internallyscreaming image source: giphy.com