I have found a way to bring my love (and hate) of Bravo on my walks and in the car (and FO’ FREE!): podcasts!  I can’t believe I never realized this before.  Here’s my ranking of the millions (well, okay, just three) different podcasts I listen to from three very different BRAVOLEBRITIES (I just effing love that dumb word and try to work it into sentences as much as I possibly can):

3. Heather Dubrow’s World

I will admit, I have only listened to about three episodes so far.  Heather is my favorite OC housewife, mostly because she just seems so normal and level-headed compared to those other trainwrecks.  But, I have learned, Heather needs her foils, and I ain’t talking about highlights (GET IT.)  Without the shrill tornado of shrieking nuts that is Vickie Gunvalson around to make her look like the voice of reason, Heather’s inclination to sound over-the-top fancy is definitely apparent.  For instance, she is STILL BUILDING THAT GODDAMN HOUSE and takes a lot of opportunities to complain about it.  Hey, I moved ten days ago and I know that shit is stressful- but when you are trying to appeal to women all over the socio-economic map, you might want to cool on the “woe is me, how am I going to find different color schemes for my fourteen new bathrooms?” nonsense.

Heather’s “co-host” (I use that term very lightly) is her assistant, Natalie Puche, a yes-(wo)man for the ages.  I am not sure what her role is beyond basically agreeing with Heather, reminding Heather of all of her great qualities in every arena and allowing herself to be made fun of periodically.  It’s a very fake dynamic and exactly what you would expect from the assistant to a Real Housewife.

Heather spends about half the episode complaining about her kids, husband Terry and other “see, I’m a normal, just like you!” problems.  She regales us with tales of shopping at the American Girl Store, traveling to Minnesota to promote her skincare line, Consult Beaute (which, really? Beaute?) and other hijinks!  Just kidding.  Mostly low-to-medium jinks.

She also has interviews with people that I am uninterested in.  So maybe I am not her target audience?  Even though I am a mom who liked her on Bravo?  Anyway, it’s mostly a snooze that I will probably only listen to when I am out of everything else and am desperate for “entertainment.”

TAKEAWAY: Do you want to hear that mom you hate talk about how she is better than you?  Then this is the podcast for YOU!

2. Brandi Glanville Unfiltered

So, I really liked Brandi Glanville when she first came on the housewives scene in the second season of Beverly Hills.  I thought her no-bullshit unpretentious attitude was a breath of fresh air in the stuffy BH- GOD remember Camille in season one?

I mean I even read BOTH of Brandi’s books!  Shameful.  I really felt for her during the whole Eddie Cibrian-LeAnn Rimes debacle.  It would be horrible enough to have to go through finding out about an affair, but publicly and with children?  No thank you.

BUT THEN I felt like she changed dramatically and I flat out despised her in the last season she was a cast member.   The weird friendship with Kim Richards was not a good look for Brandi, and she just acted like a whackjob all season (that whole throwing wine in Eileen’s face “as a joke” thing was one of the cringe-iest moments of reality TV I have ever witnessed.  And I watched Flavor of Love in its entirety).  Brandi became such a try-hard in the worst way possible.

So even though I was curious about her Podcast, I never listened to it.  Brandi was an early adapter of the medium; I was surprised to see her Podcasts have been running for three years.  It’s actually evident right away- of the three I listened to, hers is definitely the most polished (and who would think I would say that about Brandi over Heather?)  Another bonus is that there are VERY few advertisements and sponsor mentions- Heather’s and Stassi’s both sometimes feel like one long commercial (AND they have a lot of the same sponsors.  NO I DON’T WANT TO BUY A SPIN BRUSH!  No matter how much it has omg changed your life.)

I am shocked at how likeable Brandi comes across and I actually really enjoyed her episodes.  She is very relatable and self-deprecating and is actually a great interviewer.  And it’s like the fun Brandi of yore is back!  I had to force myself to listen to more than one episode of Heather Dubrow’s world but I actually subscribed to Unfiltered.  Even though I usually don’t have a clue who her guests are, they are all interesting people and she is not afraid of a tough question or arguing if she doesn’t agree.

TAKEAWAY:  She is not PC or PG, but if you liked Brandi at any point she was on RHoBH, you will dig it.

1. Straight Up with Stassi

Oh Stassi.  I loved her from the word pump on Vanderpump Rules.  She is basically Babe Walker meets Blair Waldorf with just a dash of Elle Woods and is reality tv perfection.  Has there ever been a more gif-able Bravolebrity? (GOD I can’t imagine the meeting at Bravo when somebody came up with the horribly amazing word.  I would watch a reality show about that meeting.)

Stassi’s podcast features most of her VPR castmates and she does talk about the show a lot, which I love.  Some of these people like to pretend that we would all be interested in them if they weren’t on a reality show on Bravo.  We would not.

Basically, Stassi is a basic bitch and owns it.  She fully admits to being obsessed with Kylie Jenner’s app (I can’t even imagine what would be on that… like what kind of content besides highly filtered photos of her lips? And ads for various Kardashian/Jenner products?), hair extensions, etc.  She does two episodes each week: 1. a traditional podcast with guests and 2. a shorter program devoted to answering fan questions. Even though I love her VPR interviews, I kind of love her solo responding to questions, because she gives completely random and sometimes ridiculous advice. (Real answer to someone asking her how to lose weight: “just like, don’t eat meals.”)

My favorite part is basically how… homemade it seems.  Stassi has a TON of sponsors (toooooo many, if I have to hear about Boll & Branch sheets one more time) but she can’t ever remember how to give her discount.  She regularly forgets what the code word is for a coupon or how to access the deals.  I kind of love all of the pauses and she also just lets herself talk about whatever she is feeling.  However, I will say, if you don’t watch Vanderpump Rules, there’s not anything here for you.  But even you have even a passing interest, it’s fun to hear these kids (adults, half of them are my age), particularly Tom Schwartz talk unedited.

TAKEAWAY: For VPR fans only, but if you want to embrace the basic bitch in all of us, this one’s for you.

I really wish that Patricia from Southern Charm would start a podcast. Or Sonja from RHONY.  Apparently Adriana from VPR started a podcast, but to be honest, I am a lil Bravo-oversaturated.  I’ll stick to Stassi & Brandi for now.